cwillow

it's been a while

since I've updated my journal. a lot of shit has gone down
in my life, and the biggest is the tragedy of 9/11 affected
me personally. my stepmother is still unaccounted for, but
thank the gods my baby sister is still alive. I've been
doing a lot of things that I am ashamed of lately. For more
than a month, in fact. I'm pretyt sure I am in the middle
of a goddammed nervous breakdown. The alchohol is the very
least of it. I've started doing drugs again. I thought I
was out of that when they let me out of treatment two years
ago, but with the stress, and me moving to god knows where
in the next month, I just couldn't deal with it. Now I just
sit in my car, drinking a bottle of Jack's best black
label, smoking and snorting. My life is a mess. I need to
go into treatment again, but I am so scared. What will
people say? What will they do? Will I lose what few friends
I have left in my shitty life? I've lost everything else,
my baby, teh man I thought would be there for me. Is this
really what I want out of my life? HELL NO. I'm sick of the
crying, sick of hiding, sick of not being able to face
myself in the mirror every morning. I've not gone to class
in almost a month, just laid in bed or veged around the
house. and eating? what's that? hi, my name is mary and I'm
a motherfucking addict. and an alcoholic. and I am screwed
up. and i don't know what to do. god, if only I could find
some comfort in anything, anyone, besides the using. and
even that does not make me feel better. man, i've not felt
this bad in my life, since I can remember. i'm scared.
someone help me please. i can't do it myself. my life is so
messed up and no one knows. well, i guess they will now if
they read this, huh? i'm gonna go to bed now. maybe i won't
have nightmares again tonight. if i'm not back in the
morning, bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass.