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2003-02-15 01:12:08 (UTC)

an interesting read from a kRaZi chick

I feel stupid for writing in here again cuz like 6 months
ago i was doing an entry every few days and when i was all
depressed i decided to read them and it made me realize
how fucked up i was/am...I started writing poems, most of
the time they suck but there have been a few good ones,
maybe I'll share one day. Here I am again. I really want
people to read what i write and hopefully, get something
out of it...whether its that your life ain't that bad or
it is or the world is a shithole or whatever i happen to
be thinking it'd be nice if someone else understood.
hehehe Yes this week has been a decent one. My grades have
gone to shit so I'm deciding how important they are. I'm
screwed this 9 weeks either way but I won't bore you with
that. Hm Brian dicked me over. He wishes he were a player
but I can see right through him and if I had any self-
esteem I would stop thinking about him already but I can't
help wanting to prove that whether he has a girlfriend or
whatever he says it doesn't matter because I can have him
and he wants me when I'm there. He imed me the other night
to say what a good person I am and it won't work cuz of
the distance then hes like "we can chill n party and be
cool when you come down" and i'm like "oh the just friends
thing right...we'll see how that works out." Everytime I
talk to that kid its like being dumped. The 2nd night we
hung out he tried to tell me we'd have to wait b/c Justin
liked me and they were friends. Yeah then like 15 minutes
later he was feelin up on me. You can't expect too much
from guys. ANY GUYS.
Speaking of, I met a guy named KC a couple weeks ago,
interviewing for yearbook. Yep, yearbook. I don't know why
the hell i'm on the yearbook staff but I am. So KC and his
2 friends were hitting on me...blah blah blah whatever. I
was with Michelle and she goes "lets all stand around
while Kathy gets hit on" and I go "sorry" and KC goes "it
must be her eyes" Haha. I still think thats smooth even
though i've heard it 200000x. Since the interview I
haven't talked to him, isn't that pathetic? I'm socially
retarded. I saw him after 2nd pd. and he smiled at me n i
smiled back. I planned on talking to him today but of
course I didnt see him til i was in the car DAMN IT I will
on Tuesday though I swear to god Hes a cutie
What else...I met a guy named James yesterday. we were
talkin about music. Hes a senior and i guess he rolls face
every weekend. he claims he has a hook up, $15 a pill. I
started thinkin about it and I'm a little paranoid he
could be a cop. i smoke too much weed. i've got his number
n he wanted to go out tonite but hes not hot so i wont go
out with him not is valentines day. not that
that means anything to me but i dont know if hed consider
me a date or what
i see theres a pattern...only guys like me. I've been
meeting guys everyday. My goal is to meet as many as
possible and keep them all calling til i get sick of them.
I'm gonna master my pimp skillz. This spanish girl said
hey to me today. I've tried to be more friendly cuz i
think i seem stuck-up...i'm more antisocial than stuck-up.
I can't stand bullshit and I'm too much of a smartass for
most high schoolers to stomach. They don't know how
sheltered they all are either. I'm just not capable of
changing myself to fit it. It'd be like taking 10 steps
back, ya know?
what else...earlier this week i was thinking about killing
myself I'd never do it...i would've done it by now but i
think about it still. I was wondering where the sleeping
pills were...I was drunk last Saturday and i wanted to go
to sleep but I couldnt.
Yeah the eating disorder is back...hahaha...might as well
tell all cuz I might not write again, it never went away.
Its funny how i can not throw up for months but all of a
sudden i eat too much and that voice is in the back of my
mind like "do it and youll feel better it only takes a
minute" so i puke for a few months. Then I'm doing it one
day and I look in the mirror and my eyes are all watery
and i've only lost 10 lbs and I think this is fucking sick
and i stop. I watched Maury the other day and this
anorexic chick was on and she was like 23 and 80 lbs. I
got the weirdest feeling watching it. I can't put my
finger on it, i guess it just freaked me out. My goal this
time is 110. Its not such a big deal if you look at the
big picture. I know Marie is anorexic.
Well I've written enough. If you're reading this go ahead
and leave a comment but don't try and email me b/c thats
not my real address anyway.
Have a nice day.

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