Crystal Lynn

.....LiQuid....Depression.....
2001-09-24 23:02:40 (UTC)

Emotions are bullshit!

I cant stand the way I feel most of the time. And then
again, most of the time, I really have no idea how I feel.
Basically, it changes from day to day. One day I think that
i'm fine with things that have happened recently in my
life, but then the next, all the sadness and tears come
back. And it really frustrates me. Because how am I ever
going to REALLY be over it, and if I ever do get over it,
how will i know for sure thats its really gone this time?
Then theres the fact that when I do think I'm over it, i
feel guilty, like in someway Im betraying the other person
involved by not proving my love for them by continuing to
grieve. So maybe I'm just making myself miserable for no
reason at all. The point is though, if theres even a small
chance that by my holding on to all this shit, that in the
future it might pay off.. and i might have a chance with
that person again, then i consider it all worth it.

I'm tired of my parents. My Dad is just an asshole to
begin with. He never has time for me, and when he does, its
filled up with him rambling on and on about how much he
cants stand my stepdad, and misses my Mom. I don't care if
he buys me gifts or not. but it does tend to upset me when
the gift is accompanied with this remark, " See how good I
am to you?.. Imagine all the nice things you would have if
me and your mom were to get back together." I want to be so
pissed at him for that. For not letting go of my Mom yet
and always bring it up. I want to be mad at him for not
giving up and just accepting that its over. But I cant be,
because in my own situation, im holdong on to someone just
like he's holding on to my Mother.

And then theres my Mom. We used to be really close when
she and my Dad were still married. Basically i guess
because she had no real friends she could talk to, so when
she was upset or felt like she needed someone she always
turned to me, and I was there, because I love my mom more
than anything. But then when she found her way out of the
marriage with my Dad, and started dating again, i suddenly
went to haveing a 24 hour Mom to seeing my Mom maybe 4 hours a
week. And I began to find myself being angry at her, for
the things she used to be angry with me about,never being
home. It was always, "Crystal, you never stay home to spend
time with me, im always alone while you are off with your
friends!". Unfortunatly, my Mom failed to realize that I
was and am a teenager. Its normal and expected for me to go
out with friends. Then I lost intrest in that, and was
home. But by that time my mom as dating my current
stepfather and not getting home until 4am if she even came
in at all. I feel i had every right to be upset with her. I
was happy that she was happy, but that was the time that
seeing her for maybe even 5 minutes a day would have made
so much. I really needed her then. or at least SOMEONE to
talk to. I was alone all the time, and i made some bad
choices about what i was doing and ended up having sex with
someone who didnt really care about me, Just because i
wanted to feel loved. Maybe thats understandable
considering he was the only person i was around for a good
portion of the day. My dad had moved out of state by then,
and my mom was busy finding a new *mate*. Funny though,
after My mom found out what had happened, and i had had sex
with someone, by me crying in her arms one night when she
was surprisingly home. She suddenly seemed to care again.
Anyway, a few months after that she and my stepdad were
married, and we all live together now. And they fight, all
the time. My mom isnt so nice to his kids and he hates it.
He comes home really late some nights and my mom gets
pissed about that. So what happens?.. Once again im
conselor to not only my mom.. but also my stepdad who feels
the need to complaine to ME about MY MOTHER. Call me crazy,
but i really dont see how it appropriate for either of them
to be discusing their marital problems with me. Im only a
kid. I cant offer any advice. and i dont want a horrible
outlook on marriage before i ever get married myself.

I just want things to be *normal* for ONCE, but im pretty
sure normality doesn't exsist. So I have to deal with this.
Its not so bad though, I mean, im almost 18, so I can move
and get away from my parents bullshit. I hope.
-xoxo-