Mindy aka Cutie

The life of a suicidal Teenager.
2003-02-14 17:06:10 (UTC)

Blond haired sluts

Alright this is what Jon wrote me yesterday in my notebook:

Courtney has a boyfriend right?

No

What about that tall white surfer looking dude?
Nope

Well It don't matter anyway cause I like you. I'm sorry
that I hurt your feelings but I hoped that I would have
talked to Courney to make you jealous because ho you were
talking to Gedorge it hurt my feelings.

I was giving George advice. What did you talk to
her about?

I didn't. I wanted you to see me talking to her, but she
smiled and you got mad and so I don't think I'll do that.
Are you ok?

What do you think?

Well I'm fucking pissed off at you still also, and I'm
tired of trying to fix stuff with us.

And I'm tired of always fucking up ( up arrow )

You're the on who always wants it, Nympo!!

I wasn't tlaking about sex, I was tlaking about
just fucking up ( up arrow ) in general! That really hurt
me!

Well you've fucking been hurting me all fucking day. Can I
be friends with Courtney?

Crazy ass letter isn't it? Man, I was so mad my eyes were
watering. Alright, I was crying. I hate this girl
Courtney. Ever since me and Jon have been going out. She
is the girl I always feel like I have to compete with. The
blonde hair, blue eyes, 5'9, 110lbs. Perfect cheerleader
type kinda girl. Then, she tries to flirt with him. And,
I know he likes it and he likes her and probably even wants
to be with her but cant because he would hurt me and screw
up what he already has. I found out today that she does
have a boyfriend which makes her even more of a slut. Jon
does this things that makes me feel like even if I don't
really do anything wrong...it is my fault. Like, if I get
upset and start to cry he says, "It's always my fault, you
never do anything wrong" Which makes me feel like I did
something wrong and I should feel guilty for feeling bad. I
feel like I can't have any kind of emotions. If I'm sad,
he gets upset and says he's tired of trying to make me
happy or work things out. If I'm mad, it "always his fault
and never mine." which makes me feel even worse and
guilty. So now, Im supposed to go arounds living like I'm
always totally happy just so he won't say anything and make
things worse. He also says that I don't give him enough
attention. How am I supposed to do that if he doesn't want
to kiss me or anything at school? And last night when I
went over, we had sex...after he had an orgasium.....he
tried but he couldn't get hard again. And he calls me a
nympo? I feel like I have to be totally perfect for him in
order for me to be happy. Which is one of the reasons I
wanted to kill myself in the first place. He also says
that he does SO MUCH for me and nobody really sees it.
That he treats me SO MUCH better than all of his ex-
girlfriends. I don't give a shit about his ex-
girlsfriends....I am not one of his Lubbock girls. I am
different. And, if he's honest when he says he truely
loves me, then why wouldn't he treat me different. If
he "loves me differently from every other girl" then why
shouldn't I be treated differently? Explain that one Jon.
I could have mostly any guy I really wanted to in this damn
school. Not that I want them. Just I could.....and he
could probably have any girl he wanted to...well untill
they saw who he really was and how he would treat them.
But, I keep thinking, would he treat a girl like Courtney
better than he treats me just because of her looks.
Everyone tells me I should leave JOn, and maybe I should, I
would feel better...eventually, and I wouldn't be hurt all
the time. The thing is...I can't see him wtih anyone else.
I would go psycho and probably end up making a shit load of
drama at school. Ex. Cutting my wrists, beating the shit
out of her, and then pulling a gun out and shooting myself
in the head. I hate not having what I want just because of
the way I look. If Jon leaves me for some bitch-ass, crack-
addict, coke-additive, blonde hair, blue eyed, anorexic,
bitch...I would go crazy. Yea, Courtney and Katy are great
examples. Also, Courtney is jealouw of me because I am a
better actress then her. I got assigned a role to read in
a play and every time I said a line she would look at me
really ugly. It's not my fault I'm talented and your not.
She probably purposly flirted with JOn just to make me mad
since she is so damn jealous of me. When JOn called me
last night he said he was going to lay down for 20 mins and
then call me right back - promises, promises, promises. He
probably was up playing my playstation all night and that's
the reason he is not at school yet. I went to a store last
night and bought him a Yankee candle - storm watch, a box
of vanilla cream chocolate drops, and some Mary Jane
candy. He's not even here to get it. And, his mother
probably went to buy my Valentine's present because he
wouldn't even go. It's probably bath and body works which
is what any guy gives a girl if he doesn't know really what
to give her. Am I right? Well, at least that's what he
did for Christmas. Today is also our two month aniversary
along with Valentines day. I called him this morning to
tell him happy everything and he was like, "I'm sick so
I'll see you second period in Sci-tech. I was
like...alright..you never called me back, didn't even say
happy everything, and now...hasn't even showed up for
school yet. Jay, his step-dad, probably let him sleep in
late and he won't be here untill like 6 period where we
have Spanish together. God, what do I do. I really love
Jon. More than I have ever loved anyone. Even more than I
loved Billy...and Billy I really really loved him. I have
so many emotions inside, both good and bad, ready to come
out but I can't in fear of JOn getting upset and
everything. We are going to be staying in the same house
the whole weekened for this church retreat thing. Great
huh. After school he is going to go home, smoke with his
sister, and then come to church. No, don't think of
inviting your girlfriend along. She only supplied you
withn the weed yesterday to rool that fat ass blunt. Oh
well....nothing I can really do but try to look and act
happy right? That's what my life is all about...a total
mirage of what I am truely feeling. Nothing left to do now
but, wait to die...........
Hugs and Kisses journal,
Mindy