lauren s

entry#1

Today was a pretty okay day. Not too much went wrong. I
mean John was pretty nice compared to the way he acted last
night. He wasnt mad at me but hes furious at Kyle for
telling Bens girlfriend that the three of them smoke. I
mean its not a big deal or anything but Bens girlfriend
told Bens dad what Kyle told her and the three of them were
just outraged. So then John retaliated by egging Kyles car.
Some people told Kyle that John did it and now they have a
mutual hate for eachother. They were both my friends but i
went out with John and John i think is a closer friend then
Kyle is so when i was given the ultimatium I chose to stay
Johns friend. I feel aweful because I dont like when people
fight especially my friends. Also John is just a great guy
to talk to. Hes one of my best friends and I love him with
all my heart. However i think he thinks i told Kyle about
the eggs but i dont know. I just hate when John and I dont
get along.
Today i saw Greg. Greg still looks cute and i dont know
if i will ever think otherwise but he annoys me so much.
There is just something about the way he is that i just
cant comprehend. i cant understand why he does the things
he does.I dont talk to him anymore and he stoped going to
our school because of some of the things he has done, ugh
that retard, but now i dont have that temptation to hook up
with him like i did before. Him getting home schooled was
the best thing that has ever happened to me, i didnt think
so at first.. but it turned out to be what i needed.His
main problem is treating people like shit and his lying
habbits that he posesses.But now i can focus on people that
mean more to me and things that id rather do then being
with him especially when he treats me like shit. I dont
like that at all.
I cant wait for this wednesday because me and every one
else is supposed to go to Cheesecake factory. I am really
glad ben is getting to stay. Before i didnt know weather he
should move or stay and i told him i think he should just
because i understood how he felt. i put myself in his
position, but im so glad he is staying for his last year in
high school. Hes another one of my best friends, hes one
of the only people besides john i feel i can cry to and not
feel stupid, i dont know.. people like that are just really
special to me, i dont know quite how to explain it. Their
just unique and id die without them. I have more friends
like that but people like ben and john are, i dont know..
they are just great.
Hmmm ive been feeling better, i dont have as many
intuitions as i have had before. I mean i can always feel
when something bads going to happen. I feel it in my gut.
Sometimes its something little and stupid but sometimes its
something i need to worry about. So i always get scared
when i have thoes kinds of feelings. Actually sometimes its
just me being nervous about something, and i actually can
figure out whats causing it. I like not having bad feelings
bout stupid things though. It just makes me calmer i guess
you can say.
Agh i need a man. haha im dead serious, i have my fair
share of friends and i love all of them but i want to feel
needed i guess. Maybe im just being too picky! Ive had
offers.. ive been asked out a lot... i dont know, i just
fall for the weirdest people, its not even all about looks
anymore. I dont know but when i fall for someone i fall
hard. its rediculous, really it is.Im thru with changing
myself for other people, thats just gay. I went thru that
in middle school. I also went thru that a little last
year.But while trying to get people to like me i had lost
all self respect for myself.. and in return i got no
respect from anyone else. It was horrible. I mean im not
going to go into details about why... but ive changed. No
more of that. I mean i can get enough friends just by being
nice, right ? And seriously if thats not good enough for
some people then i dont need them, thats rediculious.
Well anyways i have got to be going now i will probably
write again later if i have some time...

-lauren