theelbster

Autobiography of a fool
2001-09-24 16:11:27 (UTC)

Give me peace, or give me death!

Well, maybe not quite that melodramatic, but I really do
need peace. I want that peace that comes from loving someone
and being loved in return, the special intimate love that
you see in movies or read about in books. I haven't been
lonely in a long time, but now I'm constantly lonely, even
when I'm surrounded by friends. There was another time I
felt like this, and that was when I was stuck on Melissa.
This isn't the same thing, but it's not too different I
don't think.
I want the peace that comes from having the core of your
being fulfilled. I THINK that if I have that, then all the
rest won't matter. I don't know though. I might be fooling
myself, because this is the one place in my life where I
don't feel fulfilled.
I'm still burning out. I hope that A is not anymore. Like I
told her once, I'll willingly bear this cross, but boy, it's
getting heavier and heavier. To have her be so close, yet be
untouchable, and for me to be unable to get closer is a
really tough situation. I so want her to call me, to talk
candidly, to go out... but I think that day will be a long
time in coming. Well, if I stop calling her, then maybe I'll
get more used to it. I shouldn't have called her so many
times even though she was sick.
I can't sleep at night, I wake up early, egads...it's like
I'm stressing big time, which I guess I am. Thoughts whirl
through my head incessantly. I can't stop thinking about
her, or wanting to hear her voice, or looking at her
picture. This is not healthy for me. I need to do something
which will calm me down permanently. My first choice would
be to spend more time with Anabel and for things to be good,
but that's a pipe dream. What's my other choice?