of the last

of the last
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2003-02-13 17:08:41 (UTC)

felling a little better and talking of the depressing future

damn ive been sick. for four fucking weeks. but they
slapped me on lung steroids and im feeling better, at least
well enough to walk a little without going into a spasm of
body shaking body killing coughs. so now i can finally sit
here i basement and update my journal and stuff. this week
has been short days and missing school for sickness, so its
been good cause hardly any school, bad from sickness.
winnie and i deffinately have been connecting even more,
which is strange cause weve always been like linked kinda.
weve just been talking more deeply. some unfortunately have
been pretty depressing as ill try to post a convo if she
has it to send to me. but then through the depressingness,
comes even more connection between us. which is amazing. we
talked about how the future is depressing. i mean we are in
our prime years now, surrounded by people who care, or at
least act like they do, but at this point, its all the
same. never again will we be surrounded by as many people
who have trully made us. the people we call our friends now
are the people who truly make us into who we are and who we
will be. and yet after highschool or if they last through
college, after that, they are almost all gone. our entire
lives as we have them now shatter into a million pieces for
us to rebuild with different pieces. given there may bew a
few that hang on and last, but for the most part, everyone
we are so close to now, is not in any way as close in the
future unless you are truly lucky. you also then have your
family which you care about and live with hopefully, but
thats pretty much it. you are confined to your family (not
a bad thing really) and a select few others. you go from a
life of many, to the select few. but those select few are
the ones that have endured and proven to truly be your
friends. it crazy, i mean the people at that time care more
than most at this time in our lives, but in someway, its
still a lonely life in the future. i dont ever want to
leave this time, i look forward to the future in some
sense, and before recently i embraced it. but now the
future scares me more than anything else has ever scared me
before. its so entirely disturbing to think that all these
people i care so deeply abotu and some i love are going to
be ripped from me with goodbyes throughout the next 10
years. but then again if you are so completely lucky to
have the few hang on and endure, count yourself among the
most lucky people in the world, riches can come and goa s
well as health, but if you can keep that friend for these
next years, they will always be there. then winnie and i
talked about the realization that we realistically may not
be together in future. we both said same things. like i can
think of wanting no one else but you, but theres always
that doubt of realism. i mean as much as we want to hang
on, and as much as i love her more than i can possibly
describe and more than my heart possibly could think of,
its true that the future is so unpredictable that its scary
to point of crying. sitting here im in tears as i was after
talking to her about this. its so fucking depressing. i sob
away now because i dont want the future to come. and
especially to talk about this, Brand New - Soco Amaretto
Lime, i wanna stay 18 forever, well either next year of 18,
but preferably now as 17. i want to stay like this forever.
life needs to slam the brakes and stay in this gear
FOREVER. allright, im done writing this because i gotta
clear my eyes before going upstairs for lunch and then play
and this deff isnt helping.

just jealous cause we're young and in love


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