Dr Cats

today is the greatest day
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2003-02-13 14:31:50 (UTC)

In love with the knife

I had a pretty cool day today. I bought a lot of cool
things. I got myself this mad smashing pumpkis shirt that
I've been wanting for ages. I bought a new pair of shoes
and a new backpack. I bought the Pumpkins Vieuphoria DVD
(that is really cool!) and the Reservoir Dogs DVD (a very
cool crime flic by Quentin Tarrantino) Plus I bought The
White Stripes Album "White blood Cells" which is also a
cool thing. Uni is very soon, which is very exciting. I got
my Student ID card today. Hooray!

Here is a poem that I just wrote...

* * *

The Knife - (by me!)

I’m in love with the knife that makes me bleed
I can’t turn from it and how it shines
It shines as it burns a hole into my heart
Taking what was always mine
Each time it catches my eye my heart is cut fresh
From what should have been my soul
And what should have been my life
Now feeling dead
Lost with the knife away from my hands
I lie here now in death
Trying to keep the broken pieces of my own
From ripping my own self to shreds
The most beautiful thing I have ever known
Is the knife that now makes me bleed

Sweetly it comes and gently it removes my heart
Cutting away all that was once known to me
Replacing it with an empty world that I cannot stand
I long for the knife to come to me again
So that I can be murdered once more
Heaped onto the pile of what was
Ending my life through the blade that will remain eternal
Never feeling it under the numbness

I long to feel reborn
To love myself once again
Beneath me lies a dagger
The knife will never hurt me
I can only kill myself
My love was not for the knife
But for the angel who used to guard my soul
I feel her love now
She will come back to me
Give me life once again

* * *

Half the time I feel so shit and half the time i feel
great. The reason why I feel low is because I don't feel
like myself. Like I feel like a part of my self has been
killed. Like my heart is dieing and it hurts so much. I
don't know how much of it I can take. But really. I know I
can take alot more. Why do I have to feel this way? I
shouldn't question that. I hate it when Gab does that so
why should I do it as well? Questioning my feelings isn't
going to change them. It's only going to make me feel
uncertain about myself. Give me a low self esteem and all.
Tommorrow is Valentines day. I want so badly to share my
love with her. These days when she tells me that she loves
me it's like this beautiful stab at my heart. It makes me
feel so much joy and pain at the same time. I hate it and
at the same time I love it so dearly.. it means so much
more to me than it ever did before. I just feel so numb. I
don't know what I'm feeling. Just numbness. I want to cry
so desparately.. but the tears won't come. I can't feel
them. I can't feel anything or anyone. This should be a
beautiful thing. But I can't appreciate it. There's just no
peace inside of me. I'm constantly conflicting with myself.
Even right this moment. I don't know where I am going with
this. I'm just writing each word as it comes to my head.
This 'break' was supposed to make things a whole lot more
simple. I don't think it's working. I'm feeling low.. so
low. Like I've sunken into myself. I'm gonna end today's
message now. It's late. Goodnight.


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