Mykel

o.o
2003-02-13 04:53:05 (UTC)

5 months later = more of same

Well it's been a long time since I've written in here. And
really, I think that should be taken as a sign of what a
terrible state my life is in when I'm really that
desperately upset about something that I rant about it on
the internet. I was actually quite proud of myself a few
weeks ago for having given up on this damn thing. But then
things got bad again, because things don't get good.

Yeah so pretty much ABSOLUTELY NOTHING has happened as far
as any kind of 'romance' is concerned since I last wrote in
here. I talk to Kevin sometimes at the bar but that's about
as far as that goes. I sorta get the impression that
somehow he does still like me (how the things happened in
September when things just went nowhere is still
inexplicable) but in any case I don't want to go out with
him cuz I'm still really pissed about him lying to me. Well
not pissed so much as just really frustrated and I don't
want to deal with guys who lie anymore. I doesn't matter
that it wasn't about anything serious either. I just don't
want to go out with a guy who lies to me for the hell of it.

So I thought I had found a possibility in October through
work (cuz I sorta thought that maybe meeting a guy through
my work would mean that he would be some how more mature
and responsible than the general trash that I run across on
a daily basis) My job is sorta unusual, I work for an NGO
so the people tend to have similar interests to mine which
I also figured would be a nice break from the losers that I
have been involved with thus far who don't even know what
an NGO is nevermind what they do.

So I sorta even thought that this one might have liked me
back... and he was cute enough and he is definitely
interested in politics and stuff which I thought was
refreshing... I sorta like intelligence in a guy. So this
has gone on for way too long (it's now February) and I even
saw him today and got all wierd and nervous.

So of course when my friend calls me today and tells me
that she found out that her friends from school know him
and had been talking to him at a party on the weekend she
sounded really excited, which I am almost ashamed to admit
made me a little bit optimistic and excited that maybe he
had said something about school or liking someone there or
something that might seem like good news to me.

ha - ha

Yeah so he WAS talking about school it turns out, but not
in the way that I had hoped. He was talking about how much
he loves university because it provides him with the
opportunity to get drunk and high on an almost daily basis.

HOORAY!! I have now reached very near the end of my ability
to cope with these things. I mean, after Dan this was the
VERY MOST sensitive topic there could possibly be. (For
some reason that made me feel even more betrayed than the
fact that he cheated on me with Nola twisted as that is --
oh yeah, i guess i didn't mention the fact that I found out
that he DID in fact cheat on me...) So for some strange
reason I am emotionally vulnerable enough that hearing that
actually made me cry. But I guess in a way, it's not just
that he's on drugs. It's sort of a commentary on the way my
whole life and experiences with guys have gone. It never
works out good. I have never had a good relationship, and
they all turn out to be dicks in the end (and it doesn't
take long to get to the end). Granted, we have to point out
that this one didn't lie to me about being on drugs and he
has never hurt me in any way. He just turned out to be the
very worst possible thing at a very bad time for me. So
maybe he is still a nice guy - you can be nice and be on
drugs at the same time. But the Dan experience made me very
sure of the fact that I really don't want anything to do
(romantically at the very least) with people like that.

In a way this is probably good cuz at least now I can give
up on him and just move on. There isn't even any doubt in
my mind about this being untrue. I'm sure it is true. My
friend asked lots of specific questions to make sure it was
the same guy, and it is. He doesn't even have a brother
that they could be confusing him with. It's him.

And the really sick thing is that like 3 weeks after I met
him something sorta led me to suspect this -- but it was
totally off the wall and completely stupid. Like I was just
making LEAPING conclusions based on nearly NOTHING so I
wrote it off to post-Dan paranoia.

If I had realized this like, 4 months ago, I don't know if
it woulda made things any better. But probably not. Nothing
has come along in the meantime, it's not like I've stopped
looking. If anything I've raised my standards a bit and
that doesn't make it any easier when the quality doesn't
get any better.




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