lindsay ann

somewhere in between
2003-02-13 03:09:51 (UTC)

battleshippppp

"you've sunk my battleship!" did you ever have the electronic
version of that game? i didn't, of course, but zeke did and we
played that way more than we should have...and whenever
someone mentions a battle, i always mutter to myself, "you've sunk
my battleship!!"

which brings me to my theory: at least it finally feels like a battle.
i've realized that all the struggling i've been doing...knowingly
rejecting time better spent with God or writing notes to satan in my
journals...well, yeah. sounds insane. but it's the most refreshing
thing i've experienced in a loooong while. it's good going to bed
with that heavy guilt of, "CRAP...why haven't i spent time with Him
today?" but it's a million times better to go to bed knowing i
have...but, like i said, i'm stoked that i'm at least aware of it...i'm not
numb to right and wrong...i'm not as ignorant as i have potential to
be.

i finished "and the bride wore white" today, and it was so
encouraging...i'm also rereading "passion and purity", because i
think being in a relationship takes total dominance over what really
matters...which sucks...but it's true. so i'm trying to get recentered
on God...and it's not like i lost that center when i started dating
matt...or eddie, for that matter. i don't know when it happened, but i
do know that the joy was gone for a while, but i can feel it creeping
back in, because nothing else makes me happy right now. trivial
conversations feel like a waste of time. all day long, i just want to
be at home in bed talking to God and apologizing for what a waste
i am...i'm trying so hard to turn my disgust with myself into
something positive (serving God), rather than just using it to
destroy myself...keep me accountable, even if i rip your head off.
that's the flippin' thing we need right now.