forever changing
2003-02-13 03:04:59 (UTC)

well here it goes

hmmm this online thing is something new to me, but i guess
this could be a good thing a way to get myself out there
but not have to directly encounter all who may read my
right now my life just seems strange, well it always seems
strange to me, but lately it has been different. i keep
wondering if this is real or if it is all a weird and
demented dream.
i think the best way to begin to explain my life is to
explain my childhood. this is not a topic that i tend to discuss with
first of all i live in nevada county. i have for 13 years, which at
16 is the vast majority of my life. i live in a small town and it is
my home. next of all my parents are divorced and
both remarried. my step parents are decent. my step mom
tends to piss me off a lot. but my step dad is ok most the
time. i have five brothers (not all of them are full blood
brothers, but i will explain this later) my parents
divorced when i was in first grade, this is when i was
first introduced to drugs. no i was not a druggy first
grader, in fact i have never done drugs for the reason that i
expeirienced first hand what it can do with out ever having to do any
myself. my father was hevily addicted to pot and speed. my mom had
finally decided that this was not the life she wanted anymore so
she left, and took us (my two older "real" brothers and i)
with her. she did not take full costody of us because she
wanted us to hae our father in our lives still. the time
between first and fifth grade is mostly a blur to me. my
dad's home was slowly being destroyed by my brother's
running around being boys and my father's "friend's"
influence. at some point my dad married my mom's best
friend from high school. she was into a lot of the same
things he was. when i was in third grade my half brother
was born into this life. our home is so difficult to
explain the conditions that i wont even try for now.
my mom's house was the place where we had to be good and
try to lead a more normal life then at my dad's there was
nothing normal about it and that was normal to us.
after a while my dad's parents came to live at his house
with us, they kept whatever order possible. up to fifth
grade i remember my dad and step mom were in and out of
jail and i will never forget seeing my dad through the
glass window and having to talk to him on the telephone,
even though he was right there he seemed so far away. in
sixth grade my dad was in rehab in sacremento (an hour and
a half away) and so was my step mom. my grandparents pretty
much raised my little brother from the time he was born to
the time that my dad got out of rehab and he and my step
mom got an apartment in rancho cordova. up untill this point my
brothers and i went to my grandparents every weekend. i was very
close to my grandpa in a later entry i will explain more about him,
and i still am very close to my grandma. my dad came every once in a
while when he could he came to visit us but these visits were very
throughout this time i was still living in the same area
with my mom and older brothers. when i was in fifthe grade my mom's
boyfreind moved in with us, we were in our fourth house in four
years. gearge was his name, he was a very peculiar man. he wore all
black and own his very own black school bus. (yea kinda creepy) on
the last day of the fifth grade we moved to an apartment in town, my
mom broke up with george. he had been in huge fights with both of my
brother's and my mom had to move on. while living in town george
somewhat stalked my mom, he would show up at her work and call her
often. one night my mom almost called the police because he would not
stop calling.
then my mom met mike(my step dad) online in under a year we moved in
together and now three years later they are married as of last
summer. my dad lives closer now and i spend the weekends at his home.
now that i have explained my childhood at home there isn't really
much to say about any social life because i didn't have any really
close friends untill the eight grade, besides zoe who i had known
since first grade but never saw often enough to feel completely
comfortable to confide in. my first boyfriend was in seventh grade i
was not what you would call a cute girl, but according to my friends
i have changed since then. all the boys i liked went for my friends
and i was the loner who was just sorta there, part of the group, but
not really. i still do not see myself as anything other than
ordinary. i was fat and ugly. in eighth grade i met ashley. she
opened my eyes to a new world, a for less preppy world. if not for
her i would definately not be where i am.
i am in my sophomare year now and i have most of my closest friends i
just net this year for once i finally feel i have people around me
that if nothing else wll except me and i don't have to put on an act
even thoughi still do sometimes.
now that i have explained some of where i am comming from i will
leave you for now