I'm a girl, not a band!!!
2001-09-24 03:11:05 (UTC)

High School

I am 21 years old. I've been out of high school for 3
years. That's 1095 days. How come what happens to you in
high school effects you for the rest of your life? I don't
get it. Okay, here's the reason I'm dwelling on this.
Tonight, the father of a guy I went to high school with
came over for dinner. (I had...okay, have the biggest crush
on his son.) Well, we were discussing crew, the sport that
I did in high school. My senior year, about 2 months before
the end of school, my coach shafted me. I think that I have
believed in the illusion that I was actually a good rower,
but it now seems like I was just a girl who wasn't all that
good, but people felt sorry for me. I don't know, it's hard
to explain. Anyway, I thought that I was over it, but it
came up and we were discussing it, and it was so hard not
to bust up crying infront of everyone one. Christ, I'm 21!!
Get over it!! Why can't I just let go? Another example...I
was going on a blind date, and the guy and I were going to
meet at my sister's rugby game. I told him what I was going
to wear and so on. Well, he didn't show. No biggie, I
didn't really care. I talked to him later and it turns out
that he did go, but couldn't approach me. I was too ugly.
Those were his exact words. That is one of the reasons that
I'm not high with self esteem. And I know, he's a jerk, and
what kind of an asshole would do that. He could have lied
to me and I would never have known the difference and my
feelings would have been spared, but he didn't and my
feelings were hurt. I've never had a serious relationship.
Come to think of it, I've never had a relationship period.
Oh, well, there was Brian, but he lives in New Mexico and I
live in Florida, so that doesn't really count. I don't
know. All this high school talk tonight brought up all
those feelings of inadequacy and lonliness. And just
because I know that it shouldn't matter doesn't make it
hurt any less. A person's heart doesn't always listen to
their mind.