AllShadows

Watch me lose it...
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2003-02-12 22:02:18 (UTC)

Please help me

Listening to : n/a
----------------------
This doesn't rhyme. I just wrote it. It sums it up
beautifully..and its the most honest..and soft thing I've
ever written.I'm embarrased to print this here.


And its like I feel so sort of...not happy, but relaxed
Safe, everything is ok deep down..its alright
But when I message you, you take so long to write back
Short little..yes...no...ok messages
You havent got time for me.
And my heart suddenly sinks. But I dont notice that its
that thats caused it
It just happens
So I give you a little space here..."be back in a minute."
"Sorry if I'm not here"...and then when I come back..you've
gone
Or, you log on for a second..then off again...or go to away
mode
As if your checking to see if me...the nuisance is there or
not
"Is he going to bother me now? I dont really have energy
for him
Hes such a clingy loser"

Because in your little world...I'm just another person on
your list
You have that person you lean on...that sort of deep
background "everything is ok" feeling
Its normal for you..you dont miss it
Yet for me, I have no one. But you. You are all I have.
And so I will sit and wait, and pray you will come online
And pray you will not go "away"...and debate on whether to
message you or not.
Its not because I dont want to disturb you, its because I
dont want to feel this feeling
Sad,...lonely...unwanted....tired..let down...cold
Or rather, I dont want to risk getting these feelings. if I
message you, its a gamble. You

might come back with lots of words..and kind chat...kisses
and hugs
Yet you might come back with nothing
Leaving me with myself...the one I hate the most..
Although I may not act like I care, or I need you...I
do...because you are the only person
who is nice to me. The only girl who gives me things
because she likes me.
The only girl who is honest...the only girl who says I'm
not ugly..the only girl who said she'd kiss me.

Yet to you...I'm just another name. Yet it confuses
me...why...oh Nina, River, Amanda, Julie, Angel...why oh why
Why is it I'm just another name...yet when you talk to
me..you talk as if I'm the one

As if its just you and me...as if you care for me so much?
How is it you can make me feel so special one moment and
then the next moment..so alone?
And even though I talk of guns..blood..murder...how tough I
am..I am still left in awe at your ability to make me feel
like this
So now I'm lonely. Within the space of 5 minutes I knew
which way it was gonna go...and within those 5 minutes...5
long minutes of waiting for your next message the feelings
of "its ok"...have turned to sadness. I'm left,
violent...bitter...angry...I want to hurt people

It will play on my mind...maybe it was something I said..I
will blame myself for all the reasons
Its my fault for being ugly...or stupid...or too pushy..or
harrassing you. I should never have messaged you. Maybe if
my screen name was more interesting? Or fun? Did I mention
sex?
What have i done?
Ultimately turning to blaming it on you being a woman. It
becomes your fault...your fault I feel like this..and I
hate you. Yet at the same time..>I love you..and need you.
Like a heroin addict needs smack..even though I know I'm
doing it to myself, damaging myself...I still want
more..and more....jesus give me more.

And this spills over into my days. Because last night...we
talked for hours..you treated me so well...and I sent you
kisses and hugs...today..it didnt matter what they called
me..or what I had to do..or what happened..it all seemed
ok..
But it works both ways. Tommorrow I know will be a bad day.
Everyone will hurt me

Tommorrow...every little thing will be against me.
But then, maybe tommorrow night....you'll talk to me..and
treat me like your own again
You will be online...act like nothing has happened..and so
will I...maybe I'll get lucky
If I can hide myself...you'll kiss me and hug me
again...and talk of how much you like me
and how much you like talking to me..and how much you want
to see me. How your boyfriend isnt right for you
And how much you'd want someone...like...me
Someone like me
But for now..>I thankyou for this new world of pain I feel
For reminding me how pathetically stupid I am for sitting
here...for trying to make friends

on this...doing nothing but staring at your screen name
hoping you'll message me...for

having hope..
For hope, is not mine to have..for the sooner I have no
hope..the sooner my addiction will end


Please help me.



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