i_bleed_life

The mediocrity that is me
2003-02-11 20:14:36 (UTC)

Once upon a time

There was a little girl who lived in a castle of clouds
and cotton candy once upon a time. Once upon a time she
would go to school and play with her friends on the monkey
bars at recess. Once upon a time she took dance lessons
and her mommy and daddy were so proud of her that she
glowed every time she was up on the stage and knew the
words to all of the songs she danced to. Once upon a time
there was a five year old little girl who won a bag of
tootsie rolls because she won the bingo game on friday.
Once upon a time two little boys had crushes on this
little girl and they would chase her around the playground
during morning recess. Once upon a time one of the little
boys kissed her in front of the teacher. The other gave
her a stuffed animal for valentine's day.

This little girl, like all little girls, got older once
upon a time. She turned six, seven, eight. Once upon a
time her parents moved her and her sisters out of their
neighborhood and into a new one. The neighbors were
throwing food into the backyard. A man was shot just down
the street. So they moved far far away from there, once
upon a time, and her mommy and daddy had to work all the
time to pay for the new house.

Once upon a time, this eight year old little girl grabbed
a knife from the kitchen drawer and told her mom she was
going to stab herself. This little girl hurt so much,
once upon a time, and she never knew why. Her mommy would
have to hold her down because sometimes, she would go
completely crazy. Once upon a time, this little girl
looked into her mommy's eyes and saw that she was worried
and scared, and this little girl hated her for it, hated
the look, hated her, hated the way she was.

This little girl, like all little girls, got older once
upon a time. She turned nine, ten, eleven, twelve,
thirteen. This little girl started high school once upon
a time. This little girl hardly ever talked because she
was afraid of what people would think. This little girl
didn't play softball or swing on the monkey bars. She
hated dancing on the stage because all of the other girls
were so much better, so much prettier, so much thinner, so
much friendlier, nicer, cooler, happier.

Once upon a time, this little girl thought she lost all
her friends. She heard voices in her head when she took
her shower once upon a time. Once upon a time, this
little fourteen year old girl stole alcohol from her mommy
and daddy's liquor cabinet. Once upon a time, this little
girl started drinking before she went to school in the
morning. The buzzing made her feel friendlier. The
alcohol made her feel cooler. She could maintain a
constant state of dizzieness, and this little girl thought
that was much better than being numb all the time.

Once upon a time this little girl started cutting. She
made herself a screwdriver and then smashed the glass
outside, once upon a time. She hid the sharpest pieces in
her closet and, once upon a time, she pulled them out and
would make herself bleed.

Once upon a time, this little girl was called down to the
nurse's office at school. Once upon a time this little
girl had gone completely numb. Once upon a time she
stopped smiling. She stopped talking to people. She had
no friends. Once upon a time, this little girl wanted
help so badly, so much, but she never asked.

Once upon a time, this little girl woke up in the
hospital. Once upon a time she was put on medication that
she did not want to take. She went to a counselor that
she didn't like.

This little girl, like all little girls, got older once
upon a time. She turned fifteen, sixteen, seventeen,
eighteen. This little girl started college once upon a
time. For the first time, she felt she had real friends.
Then they all left for college.

Once upon a time this little girl had a roommate that
drove her crazy. She wanted to start over, she thought
she could, thought she was fine now. Once upon a time she
met a beautiful guy, someone who told her that he thought
he loved her. Once upon a time she had three wonderful,
fantastic friends who she thought were the greatest people
alive.

Once upon a time, this little girl found out that she was
not fine, she was not going to be alright. She saw death
every time she crossed the street. Dreamed of death every
night. Pleaded, begged, wished for death, once upon a
time. Once upon a time, this little girl felt lost
again. Once upon a time she wanted to start over. Once
upon a time she wanted someone to sleep next to her at
night, someone to hold her, someone who would tell her
that he loved her and that he promised everything would be
OK. Once upon a time, this little girl wanted to be saved.

Things always fall apart.