Timothy

ripped from the headlines

"Save us from these acceptable evils"

Like all good Christians, I have been following the recent
exchanges over the obvious existence of God, the insidious
Harry Potter and the ever popular debate on whether or not
gays will burn for all eternity in a well-deserved hell.
Yet, there are other equally reprehensible practices and
traditions present in our Bajan society that have somehow
become acceptable, but represent a real threat to the Christian
ideals and way of life. I have made a list of these so that we
might be prepared to deal with each one.

1. Santa Claus – He wears red and his name is an anagram for
Satan, too much of a coincidence. And let’s not forget that
the man employs elves and rides enchanted reindeer, obvious
proof of black magic.

2. Bar Codes – These innocuous looking lines now present on
nearly every retail item translate into 666, the number of the
beast. All items bearing this code should be stacked and burnt.

3. Christmas trees – Decorating a tree during the winter
solstice is a Pagan ritual that pre-dated Christianity in Europe.
Every year, Bajans take great pride in worshipping the beauty
of an adorned tree in direct contradiction to the second
commandment in reference to raising false idols. Christmas
trees should be banned.

4. The Easter Bunny – Another pagan myth wholeheartedly
embraced by the Christian world and celebrated in concurrence
with the resurrection of Christ. The fact that a rabbit, an
animal known for it’s unrestrained and frequent mating habits
is distributing chocolate, a known aphrodisiac, to our young,
is symbolic of the animalistic and lustful rites of spring that
would see our children coupling in a most degrading manner.
The Easter Bunny is the devil’s henchman.

5. St. Valentine’s Day – Cupid isn’t an angel, he’s the latest
incarnation of Pan, the horned, half-man half-goat Greek god,
who would traipse around the countryside playing his flute
causing all within earshot to become sexually aroused and
submit to frenzied coupling at that very moment. It’s evil, evil I
say!

6. Television psychics – Reading their tarot cards, divining
with Ouija boards and begging you to call them, these women
and the Psychic Friends network are dangerous witches. Only
true, trained and licensed men of God are equipped to have
visions and then only if they foretell certain doom to the
unrepentant.

7. Condoms – There is no need for these sinful and disgusting
devices. The act of sexual intercourse should be undertaken
only by married couples, and then only for procreation, never
pleasure.

8. All other religions – While we in Barbados are generally
secure in our Christian society, there are unbelievers who seek
to undermine our way of life.
Christians of Barbados, these are but a few of the accepted
evils that are entrenched in our society, and we must forcibly
remove these offensive trends, crush them underfoot, tear
them asunder, stamp them out entirely, attack the very root so
that we may live in peace.