csadler

i feel a little better...

i don't feel good but i feel a little better...i really am
a social misfit. it felt good to go out and get loaded and
have some fun but i was far too quiet...apparently
the "old" craig was some sort of folk legend or
something...everyone there knew me or rather of me. and i
was right...no single women...everyone was engaged or
married and everyone was working, own a
car/house/whatever. normally i find that depressing but
last night i didn't care. i talked to clayton about the
pat/amanda thing and naturally first he played dumb and
pretended he didn't know anything but he didn't really say
anything. it's because he wants to be everybody's friend
and doesn't want to piss anybody off. i was a little
disappointed that he didn't say anything but whatever.
him, jen, heather and jim all left early (10:00 or
so)...they're so grown up...it's sad really :) so i tried
to avoid talking about it last night, so there's a bunch of
us in the garage (or car-hole lol) and lee goes, "so i hear
you started hanging out with amanda again, eh?" so i tell
him the story and it turns out that i do have a true friend
after all. he told me that i should be pissed off as hell
with pat and i probably should've punched him in the head.
apparently i was right all along and ex-girlfriends are off
limits. now i know for sure :) you know what made me feel
good though? when i told him that i told pat it would be
like me sleeping with jeannie and pat said it was
different. and lee said it might be different to him, but
it would be the same to me...oh well, this taught me a
lesson...don't get so attached. and don't trust women :p
or pat. and maybe pat was right when he said obviouslly i
don't love her because if i did love her i wouldn't be able
to tell her to fuck herself. and maybe i wanted a
relationship more than she did and maybe this and maybe
that...i was a little jealous last night...i wanted what
everybody had there...fiancee/wife, solid job, car...i want
to be in my carlsburg years. it's time to turn my life
around starting TODAY...pigsty room you're getting a
cleaning...i'm going to buy proper dishes...i'm going to
shave everyday...i'm turning my life around and i'm going
to feel better about myself...and i'm going to love myself
and know that i'm a good person and i deserve better...and
i'm going to give jean a big hug because she knew this all
along...and i'm going to go into work with a big smile, do
a hell of a job...well at least go in with a big smile :)
also, i'm going to get a bus pass next month (even though i
probably don't need it) so i can bus around and talk to
people and become a social butterfly again.

:) no a big smile :

oh i forgot...lee's dad is hilarious...reminds me just of him. FORK
THE PIG!