2001-09-23 15:46:20 (UTC)

Dialog #2

Well, it will have been a week today that I have been
single. It sure seems like an eternity to me, and I hate
it. I keep looking for something to fill the void or gap
that seems to be always hanging over my head now. Just to
try and keep my mind clear of whats going on. But no
matter what I try to do I can't get her out of my head.
And the truth is that I know that I don't want to. I just
want to leave her in my head and think about her 24/7 just
because I love her that much. All of this thinking makes
me think about a lot of things that we have done before and
alot of things that I didn't do before that I should have
done. I remember the first time I visited her we held
hands all the time. It seemed like each time I visited we
did that less. Maybe it starts to seem a litte less
mature, but I miss it now more than ever. So many small
items that I could have easily done but didn't because I
was selfish about it. Obviously I think about sex alot,
and how I dealt with that with her. And when I do I find a
gaping hole in it. Foreplay. There was hardly ever any
foreplay on my part, which was unbelieveably stupid on my
part I don't know how I couldn't have realized it before.
Something that I wish that I could go back and do. There
are other things, like sticking up for her and things like
that which I should have done before but I was a selfish
coward. How stupid of me. I pulled out the journals that
we made for each other and I couldn't help it but just cry
because I remember how sad we each are when I had to leave,
but god I was so happy to see her each and every time.
Nothing really makes me as happy in life as she does and I
guess thats why I miss her so. I'm debating whether to let
her see these or not, or wondering if she would even want
to. I think that I will tell her about them, and maybe she
will read them, maybe not, its worth a try I suppose. I
think that thinking could actually kill you if you did it
enough, so I'm surprised that I haven't at least passed out
from all of it by now. Its a little different when I'm on
the phone with her now, I don't know why, but my heart will
go fast and I'll become nervous. Maybe its because just
hearing her voice makes me happy. Letting me know that she
still cares about me. A few nights ago she seemed very
upset about something, so I just talked with her for like
an hour and she seemed to be a little bit better, I just
wanted to cheer her up a bit. I think that it worked a
little. It seemed like a few times she was ready to ask me
out again, but maybe thats just my hopefullness showing
through a little too much. I know that it would be a huge
decision for her if we were going to go back out again,
with alot of responsibility and stuff, but I hope in my
heart that we will again someday. I had a weird dream last
night, I dreamt that Chelsea was missing here, like a
missing person, and I was searching all over downtown St.
Joe looking for her, carrying around a sheet of paper with
her picture on it. I can only assume how many relations
this has to whats been up lately. Between losing her in
one sense, and then the World Trade Center and all of its
missing persons you can only dream of how many similarities
there are between them. Well, this is getting exceedingly
long, but I have cleared my head for at least a little
while. I remember the word game we used to play, where we
would say a word and then say what came into our heads.
That was fun. I miss that.

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