alixia

23 sep sunday

another day feeling alone. went church in the morning. did
what i had to do. play the piano. after church. everyone
just went abt doing their own stuffs, talking to other
pple.. only mel said bye to me. i think i was pretty much
invisible today. then again, it had always been like that.
actually it has been going on like that in church. after
church, ill just go home. no one even sees me leaving. only
if yijun goes, then maybe id have company.

and today before i left church, i was jus sitting in my
room, ready to leave for church. but i dreaded it so much.
i sat on my bed, trying to think of some excuse but its
impossible to think of anything. anyway i had to play the
piano. so i had to go. its like..i feel so horrible just
being in church. its like some kind of forced-to-do thing.

went home. dad and crystal went out. watched tv. promos are
in a weeks time, but i just feel so drained i dun even want
to study. that stresses me even further. its like, i know
its gonna be bad if i dun study..but yet i still dun
motivate myself to study. i feel so angry at everything. i
feel like everyone's at fault for making me feel this way.

its just me. i jus see imperfection in everything now. argh.

everything stresses me out easily. i feel like doing
something crazy to vent everything out. i mean im seriously
going crazy! ive been home since friday 2pm. (besides
dinner with grace) saturday stayed home the whole day.
sunday church then home. its like, im paid to do a job at
church then after job's done, i leave. just that i dun get
a pay. then from last monday to friday, ive just been home
home home home home. im so sick and tired of being cooped
up in my room. arun asked me out a few times, altho id like
to meet him just to get out of the house, sometimes i think
again, and think of what peirong said. and i just dun want
to talk to arun anymore. its like, half of me doesnt want
peirong to get the wrong idea, another half is so angry at
her for making me feel so restricted at what i do which i
feel is perfectly of no ill intentions.(ie, leading arun on)

i just reread her last mail again. and i feel so confused
all over again. its like, i want to spurt everything out,
telling her how she misunderstood so many stuffs, yet i
know that would make things worse. i dun even know whether
i can like just let it go just like that. im feeling so
bitter and hurt inside. i feel like a bitch. but im not
some angel either! i mean, this friend starts thinking and
avoiding u like the plague for months. then she blasts u
ONLINE without considering ur feelings. then she realises
she's made a mistake and says sorry? and im supposed to be
saint Peter and forget everything?

i cant! im just filled with unsettledness in me. and the
weird thing is, i havent been talking to anyone, so im
thinking more and more and more. and its such a strange
feeling! u know? besides having surface small talk with
church friends or dad. i havent like talked to another
close to my heart at all. and i just feel so inhumane. like
everything's just another cold thing.

vicki asked me to study on monday. i did some thinking over
the weekend. and i felt that the first person ive let down
is vicki. its like, she din deserve any of this. not to
mention the blasting from peirong. and she was still so
patient with me. i mean, maybe to other pple she would be
ranting like "aiyah..dunno wats wrong with jamie" but i
wouldnt blame her. ive been giving her the cold shoulder.
and everyone else. anyway, i wrote her a letter explaining
everything. but i din talk abt peirong at all. i jus told
her something's bugging me. i dunno if i should like act
like everything's ok in sch. its like, as much as i want
things to go back to normal, i feel like theres some major
grudge i hold inside me. i feel like ive been restricted to
BE HUMAN. something upsets me. and i cant tell anyone. and
im so angry at that fact. if i tell, id be like bitching
abt peirong. yet if i dun tell, im like keeping EVERYTHING
to myself. and the more bitterness i feel inside and the
more i want to tell someone. and its just a vicious cycle.
and its driving me nuts. like theres some devil inside me
or sumthing. i can feel this anger u know?

as i type i even feel like thrashing the keyboard. its
like, typing cant even express wat i want to say. or feel.
aiyah. i dunno if u understand me or not. even if anyone
were to ask me whats wrong, or talk abt it...i already feel
so angry that i dun wan to talk abt it. its like some
stored up anger. im just so pissed at the fact i felt so
HORRIBLE but I was deprived of talking to anyone. peirong
has lynn. i dunno who to turn to. pple who ask me wats
wrong arent close to me and dunno the peirong thing. and
ive been venting it on my classmates. they all think im
weird or sumthing. i jus suddenly withdraw myself and show
a black face. and it doesnt even have anything to do with
them. ARGHHHH... FUCK. FEEL LIKE SHIT.