ergot and the ju ju queen

antipodean delights...
2001-09-23 11:45:35 (UTC)

No man's land..

Trouble is deeply troubled.

I wrote this on some scrap paper, in the park, this morning.

And it's all brought on by the observations and blunt
comments made by a good friend. Although I hated him for a
lot of it when he says things like that. It's hard to face
something I haven't really faced ever. So here's what I
wrote.. I wrote in a fury, crying, feeling so overwhelmed
really.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Honest. With myself. Have I ever been??? Or have I been so
determined to portray myself (even TO myself!) in a certain
way - that I have (for most parts) become that person?

xxxx.. be honest now. Describe yourself. Truthfully. Now.

I am weak. I lie. I have deceived. I am not living to what
I say believe. Therefore I am a hypocrite. I can be
jealous. I desire to be the centre of attention, the number
one, the best at everything, the favourite. I have enjoyed
certain things which I believe are "wrong", and I have felt
guilty, but that hasn't even stopped me from doing it.

How weak am I?? I always thought I was a strong person.

I am in no man's land. I am drifting. I have no anchor
anymore. I have abandoned all that kept me grounded.

And relationships. What am I thinking? I am married. And I
am not happy. I have not been faithful in my heart. I feel
like I can't breathe. This feeling of disappointment,
trapped and unhappy, is not what I wanted. And I have
formed an important bond with another. One that I don't
ever want to lose. Nor can I give it up. I don't even WANT
to give it up. Ever. And I'm afraid I've messed it up. I
have hurt him. And I hate that. I don't think.

I am drifting. I don't know what I am doing. I don't think
things through. I just do things. I am so stupid. I am not
who I thought I was.

I am in shock. He is right. I'm riddled with it. Deceit.
Deceiving myself.

I don't even know who/what I am right now. What do I
believe? What is my character? What is the real me.. not
the me I want people to like and adore.

I need time out to discover me. To fall in love with me.
Instead of pretending to be something that I perceive to
be "good".

Help me. Whoever is there, please help me. I can't do this
alone. I am kind of scared. It's a new beginning. And
though that's always excited me before.. fresh starts..
this time.. it's fundamental. And it's scary.

I've been foolish. I've lost something. And I don't know me.

Who am I?

I need to find out...


JJQ