All That I Am
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2003-02-11 02:23:16 (UTC)

La Douleur Exquise

Well, hello again. It's been a few days since I've last
written in you and guess what? Nothing new has been going
on! The story of my life. There is a positive
though...this friday I get paid the big money and I'm
already going car hunting. Well, I highlighted a bunch of
cars in today's paper and gave them to Kent since he's the
automotive guy. He can call the people and do the manly,
machanic talk. I just want a car. Then hopefully I'll
have enough afterward to at least put the deposit down on
this apartment I want so I can hold it until next payday.

There was this couple on the bus ride to work today who
were just all over each other. I had the fortune of
sitting right behind them and I got to see the whole show.
Just smoochin' and smackin' it was kind of gross at first
then started gazing out of the window in deep thought.
Valentine's day is coming up in a few days and it's one of
those holidays that I can't stand. And for obvious
reasons. I'm alone. Always have been but hopefully not

I've been helping my mom pick out a valentine's gift for
Kent the past week and she asked me again the other day and
I didn't really care. This is the holiday when all single
people turn bitter, lol. But you would think that since
I'm so unhappy with being single that I'd put myself out
there to actually find someone right? I keep making a ton
of excuses as to why I don't. Like right now it's because
I don't have a car to get around with and I'm living at my
mom's house. But when I didn't live at my mom's house and
had transportation to the clubs, I still didn't
go "hunting" for a man. If I'm so unhappy why do I leave
things the way they are? Maybe there's some twisted
psychological pleasure I'm getting out of this. (I wish I
had my sex and the city tapes/dvd right now because they're
my relationship bibles) My life has been all about crushes
on unavailable guys. The most recent BIG crush being Mr.
Lefferts. I knew I couldn't have him (because he was
straight) but that didn't stop me from putting all my
attention and energy into flirting with him. And when I
look back I always had this hope that maybe he was just in
the closet or was curious or something and would come
around. And now I already find myself attaching to another
guy at work, Clinton. He's a hot, intelligent, muscular
guy who is not only straight but married to boot. I'll
never have him, but last week I was flirting like crazy
with him. Laughing at some of his jokes that were stupid
as hell and just giving him my totally attention. Who knows what's
wrong with me. I must enjoy the pain...the exquisite pain of wanting
someone that I can't have.


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