12StringDreams

12 String Dreams Journal
2001-09-23 10:44:35 (UTC)

Trust

It didn't matter much then, and I'm not sure it matters
much now. I always pretended it did, but reality always
seemed to change my mind. I walked silent never speaking. I
looked down and hid my eyes.

The bitterness bit me once and now I'm left with only the
scares. I hide them to, but not as well as I wish. I hide
them but not as well as she wishes. I've tried explaining
to no avail. I've tried lying about them with the same
results. I've tried to accept them and move on but the
transition is slow and as painful as the scares themselves.

Time will heal.

Healing takes time.

Taking will lead to giving.

Giving only works when someone is willing to take it.

She takes it. She listens. She hears and understands.
She'll hold my hand and place her head on my shoulder.
She's always willing to lend a shoulder to lean on. She
stands beside me and backs me when necessary. There seems
to be a space. Not a void because there's always so much
between us. We have a past that is short in time but long
on history. We've shared more then most, and we have more
the most when it comes to desire.

Desire seems to be the word best fitting.

Never have I wanted someone so badly.

Wanting her to be there for me when I need her.

Wanting to be there for her.

Strange feelings for some one so afraid of feelings.

Some things are stronger then fears. Some things your more
afraid of losing then anything else.

She has the trust I'm trying to build.

She has the faith I've never had.

She can see things clearly that come to me only in my
dreams.

I can hold her close when my arms can reach.

I can feel my arms starting to ache moments after she's
gone.

I can believe in forever when we spend a moment together
now.

But fear tomorrow when I have a moment to spend alone.

I guess I'm not as strong as I use to be. Or maybe I'm not
as good at pretending.

I refuse to learn to pretend all over again. It's just too
hard to accept.

I want to learn to be strong and trust again.

I want her to teach me.

Maybe I want to much.

Maybe I don't.