12StringDreams

12 String Dreams Journal
2001-09-23 10:30:58 (UTC)

Missing

That was a funny trip. No sooner did I blink then opened my
eyes ready to go back home. I've finally found a place to
call home and this is not it.

The hazy horizon, filled with the smoke of the fires that
burn, does not remind me of the place I grew up. It does
not remind me of a past that once upon a time hung so close
that it stole my breath and clouded my vision.

I see now.

It was a nice visit. I enjoyed meeting old friends and
spending time with family. I'm relieved to see the loose
ends no longer flying in the wind and broken ties mended. I
no long have to hide how I feel or for whom the feelings
are for. I can stand now, head held high. I can sit now
with an easy feeling.

Another trip lies before me but this time I'm going home.
It's not a journey or an adventure, I'm just going home.
Back to where I began, not where it began , but where I
began.

I've got my job waiting and my house all decorated. I've
got friends waiting to see me again but most importantly I
have the woman who will become my wife.

It still sounds strange to speak of marriage, at least for
me. It still sounds strange for me to talk of Love and
forever. It's even strange to see a smile cross my face at
the sound of her voice or the thought of her face. I never
thought I'd find anyone I loved this much let alone find
someone who would love me back just as much.

I'm fighting my lack of trust and insecurity. I'm fighting
alone but learning to reach out. I'm not sure if she
understand this, although I've tried to explain.

She's strong and trusting, believing in the dreams that I
use to search for day and night. She understands the words
but get lost in the meanings. Communication has always be
one of my strong points, but I seem to loose people when I
try to be honest. Honesty is an art that few painters will
paint and few sculptors will sculpt. Writers avoid it or
stretch it beyond recognition. Musicians hide it between
the verses or disguise it as a chorus. Honesty will push
people away faster then a lie and bring the one you love
closer then any kiss or embrace. I fear the truth. I'm
scared to be honest. I'm willing to learn and I hope that's
enough.

I've only been away a couple weeks. Just long enough to
know I'd never want to spend my life without her. I've sat
and thought of all the things I have and all the thing's
I've had. I've remembered all the people that have crossed
my path and left me behind. I've thought of every moment
spent wishing and wanting. I remember the dreams that came
true then quickly turned into a nightmare. All the times
I've sat crying in a vacant lot, parked beside the peaceful
pond, wiping tears as they fall one by one, I always asked
myself if there was someone like her. If there was someone
out there who would take these tears once and for all and
put away the pain. My smile says there is and my heart
agrees. When her hand is back in mind and I pull her close
once again, never will we part.

I sat and wrote a note to her, but actually wrote it for
myself. I'm still telling myself it's ok to be happy, it's
alright to Love. I tell myself I will trust again and gain
the trust of her. I'm sure she read it once or twice then
filed it away. It's hard to understand someone that has
tried so hard to be misunderstood. But she tries. It seems
only right to include this note, redundant maybe, but
simply from the heart.

I sit here on the swing in the yard, a beer in one hand and
a cigarette in the other. So perfectly un-poetic. Listening
to the birds as they jump from tree to tree, singing to one
another in a foreign tongue. Propped against the old oak
tree, my twelve string sits silent, reflecting in the
afternoon sun the scratches of years gone by.

I realize how much I have to learn. I make a promise to you
from thousands of miles away, I give to you the rest of my
life to teach me.

I think of all the times I've given my heart only to have
it broken, and of the time I gave my name only to have it
slandered. I think of all the times I walk peacefully away
when I should have stood and fought, and of all the times I
fought when I should have gone peacefully into the night.

So much I'm asking of you. So much I want. To ask you now
for the rest of your life seems so hard to comprehend. You
fill such a big empty space in me, I see no other way to
ever be happy but to try.

I picture us together when the clouds roll in and the rain
beats relentlessly on the roof. I hear you speak my name
when the winds blow through shaking everything in their
paths. I see you in the morning light, peacefully sleeping,
beautifully believing that the day belongs to us.

I could ramble on till the light fades lower or I could
close for now and wait till tomorrow. Either way I go with
you in my heart. I go with you in my thoughts. I will sleep
with you in my dreams. I will awake with a tear falling
happily down my cheek.

Good night my Love till I tell you again. Your hand in mine
and you in my heart. I Love you now and always.