Ad 0:
2003-02-11 00:30:02 (UTC)

closing my mind

today... im falling down so far. i can feel my life
dropping from under my feet, and i want to scream. but im
afraid to wake up my demon, it would kill me. tear me to
shreds. i want to cry, but im afraid of washing away the
fragile control i have over myself. my journal is missing,
my insurance was cancelled, im basically fired, im starting
to get headaches. im seeing people lie, and hurt, and all i
can try to do is ignore it, and not care. if i even
attempted to care... id die. i dont think i could come
close to standing all that agony, hurt, and lonliness on my
own. and i wont let anyone else close enough to even
pretend to be there, and hold me up. i wont kill myself, i
cant do that, that is to easy. if im going to die, im gonna
go fighting, for myself at least. but, i wouldnt stop
anyone from trying. everything is falling apart, this isnt
fight club, i do fucking care. its not what i want, but its
still me. god, my head hurts more. i was lied to again.
another lie found. how many times have i actually been lied
too.... that i havent found. im sure i dont know of all of
them. why am i seen as someone to be hurt. fuck, fucking
pussies everyone is. they have to lie, like i'll feel
better when i realize they broke my trust. yeah, that makes
me bitchin happy. but, i wont let people go. people lie, it
happens, in some reasons it was with the best intent..
which i would understand. i can see why some people wouldnt
say things, for fear of hurting those close to them. i want
to rip myself apart for believing anyone though. so many
lies, would i be running, or helping myself. i keep getting
the chills, i keep feeling my tear ducts fill up, ready to
burst, with so many tears just waiting to rushing over my
face. my face... the only thing people can see.. the only
way anyone could know how i am, without me telling them.
and it wouldnt be washed away, just picked up, and carried
into clumps of agony. turning my eyes red and swollen. 2
great signs to the world, that ive lost my composure, and i
cant control myself. that is why people see crying as a
weakness, we all want to be strong, but for who? ourselves,
or everyone around us? what does it matter, those around us
dont care, as much as we want them to, and tell ourselves
they do. im typing and not even knowing where i am going
with this, or what im doing. no one has read my "diary"
randomly... its a crock of shit. im hurting, screaming
inside, and no one knows just how horrible i feel. how im
waiting to die, things wont stay bad forever... but i dont
know how long that will be. i dont want to sleep even...
because id have to open my eyes and go through it all
again. im barely able to breath, im so heavy, the world, my
feelings, my dreams, hopes, desires, and pitfalls. all just
bearing down on me, waiting for me to slip... to kill me.
no one knows... no one cares. no one ever could. passing on.

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