12StringDreams

12 String Dreams Journal
2001-09-23 10:16:46 (UTC)

Departure

It took a while to sink in and I'm not sure it actually
did. As best I can tell I was left alone with no one
leaving, told good bye with out a word, and apologize to
for lord knows what.

As I sit here in the dark, again, I wonder if I'll ever see
the light. Will the cold ever cease or even appear. Will
anything happen or will things continue to just exist.

I'm tired, that I'm sure of. Sleep won't come easy if it
comes at all. No more good nights.

If what I did was not enough, it never will be. If what I
gave was not enough, it to will always be short of
expectations. Did I do too much, not enough, or just the
wrong things. Did I try too hard. Did I try at all.

The clouds hang pretty in front of the setting sun. The
warm red glow fades as the night time approaches. It's a
shame I'm the only one to see it. The only one to enjoy it.
The only one to appreciate it. It's the little things that
hide the big things that block our vision.

Stop looking so hard.

I did my best to feel at home. It even worked for a spell.
Now, here, today, I feel no more at home then I did before
I left. I feel no more at home then before I ran. I feel no
more.

Driving seems to easy the pain. The wind, the engine, the
passing of obstacles. I can only drive for so long till
I'll have to return to the house and secure my possessions.
I still have lose ends to tie up and lost feelings to end.
I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward at
all. Everything I had looked forward to has quickly faded
into the past.

I guess I saw it coming. I'd be lying if I said I didn't.
I'd be naive to say I thought things would change. Lord
knows I've tried that before. Sometimes change is too much
to ask no matter how hard two people try.

We did try.

We tried like hell.

The hell we went though should have secured two people
together for life but I think it took the life out of us.

It took the life out of our relationship. It took the life
out of our dreams. We started to hold on to the turmoil
till the turmoil took hold of us. It tossed us about and
tore us apart. Bad timing I guess. I only know we tried.

For once in my life I tried to. I put someone else before
myself. I put another's feeling before my own. I guess I
wasn't very good at it. I knew it felt awkward but I didn't
think it showed that much. Given time I would have improved
I'm sure, but time is not always a luxury we're offered.
Time is often the one obstacle we never seem to be able to
negotiate. From change to change we roll from one shore to
another like a lost tide. Sands stolen then replaced.
Footprints erased. I walked lightly on this shore in hopes
of not leaving any traces when the tide finally came, but
traces I left.

On hearts, on emotions, on the solid stone I walked. No
tide can erase the pain. No wave will take the memories out
to sea. I'm stuck with the castles I build and the motes I
dug. I'm forced to carry them around.

I wish I didn't have to go.

I wish I didn't have to leave, but the load is heavier here
then anywhere else. Most of my mistakes still hang on the
walls and decorate the door ways. Most of them will be
there long after I'm gone.

I only hope that the painful ones will fade with time.

I only hope the load will get lighter.




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