Midnight

The Nightshade Princess
2001-09-23 05:19:12 (UTC)

Father called my mother s house..

Father called my mother's house last night at 1am. He
hung up just after she answered. I was upstairs in her
home, still awake when he called, though I thought the
phone's ringing was another of my delusions. It seems that
such behavior is unlikely unless he were drunk. Gods, I
hope he was not drunk. If mother ever finds that he's been
drinking again, she will fight to get custody of me, though
I am unsure of what she could do, seeing as how I am 16
years old and have a choice... He has become nearly
impossible to endure, and I don't know how much longer I
can put up with him. He ignores me for the most part.
Aside from a few awful hours at school, and a 30 minute
trip to the natural foods store (I was nearly out of food),
he's not taken me anywhere in a good 2-3 weeks. We've not
even been to our favorate coffee shop. I recall we used to
go nearly every day... Now, if he bothers to ask what's
wrong when my mood swings become uncontrollable (if he even
notices), I cannot tell him anything, for if I do, I risk
being yelled at or spoken to in an angry tone of voice. He
cannot take any blame, even if it is casual. Even if it
really WAS his fault. Mother says that's just the way he's
always been. It's the way I remember him before he changed
and made me his Goddess. Oh, why couldn't she have been
wrong? I find myself taking on some of the expressions she
used to bear in the years before they divorced, in the
years he drank and yelled and was the ogre whose company
was poison to our souls, and who's rough treatment of us
forever shaped my mother, brother, and I. I've walked by a
mirror and found a wretched expression, eyes downcast, face
unnaturally white, pale lips pressed together, being chewed
in worried contemplation and submission. Almost in
tears... It's the look I'd seen so many times on her face
after he'd argued with her into accepting the blame for
something which she was not aware she'd done, or had
nothing to do with. I saw there whenever he went away and
she was left behind with us children. Then he is so
charismatic towards everyone else, just the same as he
always used to be. They love him when they first meet him,
but those friends I've had for a longer time have become
fed up with him. They've seen through his smiles and
lies. He won't even speak with me anymore. I watch him
fall, see him become sad like I always did... His mood
swings are so much like mine now, and he gets angry and
blames me for the smallest things I may or may not have had
a hand in. Sometimes I see flashes of his former, kinder
self, and they hold me in that home, as does my own
bedroom, painted in a sombre shade of dark grey and trimmed
in black, and the false security I can almost wrap around
me. And fear keeps me there too... I don't want to think
of what he'd do in the days and weeks in which the
paperwork was being filed, and my things were being moved
into mother's house... she doesn't even have room for me,
much less my furniature and belongings. He would throw
away what I didn't take, like he did with mother...
Please, just make this go away... can someone make this go
away...?????