Deb's messed up life
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2001-09-23 04:55:17 (UTC)

It is late and I'm thinking about how empty my life seems.

I don't know how to feel. I don't know if I should try to
foret about Aaron and me ever dating again or keep holding
on the the little tiny chance of hope for us. Aimee told
me today that he is in love with me. But he likes some
other girl, not near as much as he likes me however. So
why is he spending all his time with her and not with me?
I miss him so much. Why can't things just go back to
normal? I don't know if I should put those thoughts out of
my mind so I don't drive myself crazy. But what if I get
so caught up with forgetting about Aaron that I lose any
chance of being with him again and losing whatever
relationship we ever had. He is my best friend in the
whole world and lately it's been killing me. This whole
thing is killing me. Right now he is out at the movies
with Courtney. I'm not mad at him but I'm really sad.
What did I do to make him change his mind about us? He
said that he wants his freedom and doesn't want to be tied
down anymore and that I should want that to. But I don't
want that. Me and him think so much differently. I don't
like change and all that freedom crap he keeps talking
about. I like having security and knowing that whatever
happens, at least I'll always have Aaron. But now I'm not
so sure. I used to always say to myself that I wouldn't
know what to do if Aaron ever dumped me and my life would
be so empty because he is everything to me. Well it really
is true. He wants me to go with the flow, see other
people, make new friends, go out and basically just have
fun. But he doesn't understand that I'm not like him. I
have to have him here with me. I can't do this alone.
He's the only person I have left and I don't want to lose
him just like I lost my mom. And he keeps saying that
nothing has to change and that we are still friends and we
still talk but not near as much as we used to. I miss
him. I try to do all kinds of activities and crap to keep
me busy so I don't have to think about how much I am
hurting. I sat home tonight and watched a movie and
thought about how the people in the movie were probably so
happy with their lives and probably had goals and dreams
and things they wanted to do with their lives and people
they were gonna spend it with. I want someone to live life
with. I want Aaron back so bad. Should I start dating
other people and start becoming detached from Aaron so that
I don't hurt anymore? Aimee told me today that he loves
me. Then I just don't see why he doesn't want to be with
me. Things were fine between us. We spent time together,
we talked, we had a real relationship and we knew
everything about each other and we loved each other. What
happened? When did all that start to go wrong? He made me
feel better when I was depressed about my mom dying and he
listened to me complain when I had a bad day and he helped
me solve problems between me and my family. I love him so
much. Why did he have to go? Where do I turn to know?
What's next? I better go to bed now because I have to get
up early. I hope he's at church because even just seeing
him makes me feel 800 times better. I hope I can sleep
instead of tossing and turning and over-analyzing my life
and my feelings and crying. I cry a lot these days.