Kinarra

Diary of an American Witch
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2003-02-10 06:53:00 (UTC)

The most amazing girl

You know those movies where the guy is talking to his
friends and he says "last night, I met the most amazing
girl"? Well, Ill never be the most amazing girl. I wish I
could be. Im not beautiful, nor do I have any remarkable
character qualities that would attract anyone to me. But
wouldn't it be nice to be that girl? Wouldn't it be nice
to be the kind of person that people would be instantly
attracted to? Wouldn't it be nice to be the kind of person
that movietale love would happen to?
I think that's what we all are looking for. For good or
ill, we have all grown up with this idea that somewhere out
there is the perfect person for us, and that when we find
them, they will understand us, and, even if it isn't
perfect between us, at least, we will have eachother. We
will have someone that at least understands us.
Im a hopeless romantic, and as die hard as my belief in
love is, Im starting to doubt that there is actually
someone out there for everyone. What if love isn't
predestined, but, random? What if it isn't about finding
your match, but, just finding someone? Finding someone
that you can stand, and that can stand you, and then,
making it work?
And how do you make it work?
It seems to me, that I have to change aspects of myself to
make the other person happy. That I have to give up parts
of my personality so that that person will love me. Is
that right? And if it is, why is it that Im always the one
changing myself, and everyone else stays the same? Why is
it that I always have to bend the standards that I live by
so that I won't lose the person I love? And why is it that
when I finally draw the line, they get mad, and leave me?

Take this thing with Jamie. We have decided to be just
friends, but the decision came about because I drew the
line.
We were going to go extremely slowly, not make out or have
sex for a very long time, if ever, but it didn't work out
that way. We ended up having sex, even if he said it
was "just messing around" and I knew that we had made a
mistake, but when I talked to him about not being physical
again, he got upset. He says that for him, sex is a huge
part of love, and that he can't be with me and not have
sex. He said that if we were not going to be physically
involved, then we should just call it a friendship. I told
him that if we became friends, then that would be just what
we were, friends. And I would try to stop caring for him
in a romantic sort of way. He got mad because, as he puts
it, he gave me what I wanted, but I had to have the total
victory, by calling it what I wanted to call it. He is
upset because I want to have a relationship with him
without sex, or making out.
But I didn't want it to be like that forever, just until we
were both ready. Obviously, he was ready a long time
before I would ever be. But is it too much to ask him to
wait till Im ready to have sex again? Im serious, was it
wrong of me to ask him to wait till I was ready? Should I
have just bent another one of my personal standards? Was
this issue just another one of those things that I should
change about myself in order to make him happy? Or was I
right to stick to my guns? Am I better off? I mean, some
would say, and have said, that if he didn't care enough
about me to see how importiant this was to me, and if I
wasn't good enough in his mind to be worth waiting for,
then Im better off without him. But am I? Did I make a
mistake? Should I have given in? Was this another
instance where I just didn't try hard enough to make things
work?
But if I had given in? Then every time we had sex, Id feel
cheap, and used. And eventually, I end up resenting him,
maybe even hating him, and what good would that do? We
would just end up having another bitter break up. So, no,
I guess I didn't make a mistake. Maybe I did do the right
thing. Of course, that does not help the lonelyness, and
the heartache, and missing him. He seemed like the perfect
one for me. He seemed like the one I could love, and be
with for the rest of my life.
But we could never get past this issue. We never have in
the past, and, not even now, after all these lessons we
have learned in love, can we get past it. It would have
been the most near to perfect love I could ever have, but
for this little thing, but for my standard. But for my
longing for someone who can show me that I mean enough to
them that they are willing to wait for me.

Something just occured to me. This guy that I was dating,
a guy I met through my sister, I fell in love with him very
quickly, and I still have feelings for him, even though he
moved away, and we hardly speak anymore. I think that the
reason that I fell so hard for him was because he made me
wait. HE made ME wait. He wanted to wait, because he
wanted our first time together to be special. Never before
or since have I had a relationship where the guy held
himself back for emotional reasons. He wanted to prove to
me that he was intrested in me for more than my body. Most
guys I date, well, that never comes to their mind. Most
guys never think that maybe their instance that their
physical needs be met, might be actually hurting me deeply.

It's wierd the kind of things you can understand when you
are searching your soul at one in the morning.


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