lekkerdien

Single and Fabulous?
2003-02-10 05:09:00 (UTC)

Moment of Clarity

So, I seem to have been drowning in this black hole of
emotions for the past few months. Feeling things takes a
lot of work, so I just didn't. And this has continued into
a kindof scary place. It's actually humorous how black my
heart is. Example, this guy I'm seeing now. Very nice guy,
but I just can't feel things, well, at least not the things
you're supposed to feel. Once I was on the phone wiht him
complaining about feeling hungry and he asked if I wanted
him to bring me something. And, instead of being a
good "girl" (or good person for that matter) and
thinking "Wow, what a nice guy!" I think "Wow, he's my
bitch now!" I didn't actually have him bring me food
because that would be way too regal for my tastes, but the
moment and my immediate reaction scared me a lot.

The eternal question posed by Empire Records, "Who knows
where thoughts come from, they just appear?" I can't
control what my mind instictively responds with. I can -
and do- control what I do with those thoughts (mostly keep
them to myself). But what does it say about me that when
someone tries to be nice to me, I want to laugh and part of
me pities them? I want to have an emotional attachment to
this person. I want to have an emotional attachment to
anyone, really, but I'm not a leech who can randomly stick
to whoever comes along. I tried to think of what I would
want in a guy. My ideal characteristics. This guy doesn't
quite measure up, but I don't think that that's what is
keeping me from him. Honestly, I can't imagine what a guy
could do or say that would make me fall for him. It has
been so long since I've had an honest to god crush. I miss
those butterflies and that tension. But at the same time, I
usually only got those with guys that I had no chance with.
I see guys checking me out and I want to yell at them "Keep
moving, you aren't going to find what you're looking for
with me!"

I'm also having issues with physical relationships. I can
have them, and enjoy them. But they are hindered if I so
much as know the guy's last name. Any hint of emotional
connection and they can't touch me. Supposedly, sex and
love are always better when the other is present, but what
if you can't mix the two?

Maybe I just haven't met the right guy yet, but that scares
me too. Am I supposed to wait for this mysterious guy to
come around and save me from my own emotional stupidity?
Because I can tell you right now that I wouldn't let him.
Silly as it sounds, but I honestly think that if I ever
felt like someone was drawing me out of this, I would RUN
the other way. Letting someone "fix" me would make me way
too dependent on him. So, do I have to do this myself? Do I
have to do this at all? Can't I just own cats and have one-
night stands? I could be happy with a kitten and lots of
random sex. Maybe.




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