Ugly on the inside
2001-09-23 02:37:28 (UTC)

sick crackers

i think my glass still has traces of soap still there
causing my ghetto brand juice to taste like soap as well.
or maybe the juice just sucks. either way i think it's
making me more sick than i origionally was.
this whole weekend has gone ass backwards. i dunno, nothing
worked out how i expected it to. thursday was tool night.
friday was supposed to be relaxing and all (that's the
night i got kinda sick) then the weekend was gonna be
packed with sleepovers and visits to friends houses. none
of which happened. now i have plenty of time to do my
homework which i've still managed to put off. i can't even
do my history because i'm too stupid to grasp the concepts
of communism/socialism, utilitarism and a free market. so i
have to write my whole essay monday night for tuesday.
foowy. it's not like i don't have the time... my friends
seem to have ditched me. just as well i suppose... i dunno,
maybe now i'll have more time to work on my guitar and less
time devoted to clubs, figure skating and my non-existant
social life. which seems to be depleating more and more as
i write.
today i came to the conclusion that if i were to move that
i wouldn't tell anyone where i was going or that i was
leaving in the first place. since moving is an option right
now (and i see it happening) i actually think i'm just
going to leave my friends without saying goodbye. it'd be
easier on the few that actually care about me. :::drinks
more soapy ghetto juice::: still... i dunno, sometimes i
wish i could go back to being the miserable self that i
was. it made things so much easier, yet so much harder and
complex. i didn't have to deal with things until i was good
and ready to. which ment that i kept all of that inside
till i had a chance to let it all out. now i feel like i
have to deal with my own problems and everyone elses and
when something doesn't go good for someone else i feel like
i'm the one who has to be there to pick up all of those
pieces and glue them back together. i'm not strong enough
for that and people should realize that about me, at least
they did realize that about me.
part of me wants to go back to that whole distruction
filled life and the other part of me wants to keep on
truckin' and "do what it takes to step through" (tool)
there is so much more i want to write but not enough words
or ways to express it in. (there will be a lot of that
written in the future. i usually always feel that way).
it's hard for someone like me to express myself. i always
feel stupid and that my writing isn't good at all. i'm not
exactly here to impress anyone so i guess it doesn't really
matter. this is here for my own benefit. sometimes i feel
like this helps and other times it makes me feel worse.
especially after writing. that's why i keep writing for as
long as possible, just to delay the stopping point. just so
i don't have to feel like crap when i'm done. i don't even
know if it's all worth it.

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