today I went to the mall. I went and bought my 32 dollar
pants. I came home and put them on and romped around in em.
I like my pants. I came online and looked to see if I got
any messages. I had zero. I felt real sad but reminded
myself that I shouldn't care. I think that was smart of me.
I mean, Im not writing for other people...am I? Maybe I am,
maybe I have such a deplorable need of satisfying myself w/
responses. I felt sad when I went on msn. No one ever IM's
me. I think it's because no one likes me. Oh no...Im crying
now. These are tears of self pity...don't mind them...I'll
be okay. While I was walking in the mall, I tried to make a
conscious effort of not noticing the heart stopping stares
of envious teenagers...they always do that when a young
girl strolls alone in the mall. They all like to size you up and
see whether or not your cuter than they are or if you seem
like the girl their man would gladly like to screw. I got
the usual "hey mamita" from the black dudes in the mall,
but I ignored them also. I told ma later that Im swearin to a
life of celibacy...
"I just don't feel attracted to either man or women, ma"
"Okay(sighs deeply) if that's how you feel, Lil..."
"No ma, I'm being dead serious... mark my words I will
never have sex TRUST me..."
(laughs to herself and mutters) "Alrighty"
"There is no one out there that will think Im cool. I don't
even think Im cool, ma!...I have no problem w/ just
adopting children and raisin em on my own-
(intterupts)"You're willing to be a single mother? Lilliana
are you aware fo how hard that is?"
"(shrug) I don't care"
that's right. I don't care diary. I don't care if I remain
single forever. I don't need man nor women. My life goal is
to strum my guitar and sing my babies to sleep. That is
what's important. If that never happens so be it. That was
the stroke of fate then. On a lighter note...I have a few
things that I must do now...things that require me to get a
better education...like, homework.
night my love,
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