Eyes4Guys

Personal hell & back again
2003-02-09 21:55:20 (UTC)

Rather dry right now

"I'm standing here alone, can't tell if I'm awake. Reality
is gone, in a dream I can't escape. You said hold on, but
it feels like I'm slipping away."- Trust Company

Last night did a lot to me. Some was good, some was
horrible, but eh every day holds a lot of surprises. I
can't say whether or not last night was bad or not, just as
I can't say whether or not the day I've had so far is bad
or not. I've just cried enough tears both tonight and today
to make me run dry for the time being.

I'll start with late last night. It was 10:45, 15 minutes
till we were suppose to close and we are all doing our
final bit of work. But we got hit hard. The first two
orders were simple, just two value meals each. But the
third one was an asshole about it. He was in my drive-thru
for 10 minutes trying to figure out what he wanted. He
ended with 7 large value meals. We didn't have that kind of
food out. Not enough meat, not enough fries. Then we had
one last car, two large value meals.

We did fine till the guy came. BIG van full of black
people. All heavy people. So of course it was a large
order. But he sat in my drive through for 15 minutes. He
kept bringing food back, saying it was made wrong. The
whopper junior wasn't supposed to have cheese and the
chicken whopper was. Then we fixed it. THen he said tha
whopper junior had no cheese on it. We had it sent back
because it has cheese on it to begin with, took it off and
now he wanted it again. The chicken whopper was sent back
again because he didn't want lettuce. I repeated the whole
order to him before even giving him his $30 total. But
after a while, I just refused to serve him. I knew I'd blow
up at him. Mexicans and blacks always give me a hard time.
Always.

Christine's boyfriend had dropped off her baby, but once
the burgers got sent back a second time, I had to have
Christine deal with him. So her year and a half daughter
was left crying in the dining room. That cry was peircing
and I knew it sounded bad to customers. So I walked away
from the man in drive-thru and picked up Jasmine. After a
minute of holidng her and walking around with her, she
stopped crying. But I had to wait till Christine was done
till I could give Jasmine back. I knew taking her into the
back of store would get us in troube. So instead, I just
walked around the store with her, talking to her, wiping
her runny nose. It felt good to hold her. I say this
because if was conforting. She quit crying because someone
was there, we wasn't left alone. She could also see
Christine, so she got pretty quiet, but it felt like she
needed me, although I knew she just didn't want to be left
alone. But once everything was done, I gave her back to
Christine. The man just ended up wanting his money back for
the two burgers that he kept changing.

We didn't get the last car to drive off till 11:20, that
was when we could have been walking out of the store. So we
finished cleaning the store. I was so pissed. I was cursing
to myself a lot and Jeff heard me say soemthing, so he put
his hands around my waist, gave me a hug, and then started
mopping the floor. But he sang to me. He sang "I Swear" by
All4One. That is our song. Chris and I wanted that song,
and "Unchained Melody" to be our songs. So the fact that
Jeff had no clue and was singing this song made my night so
much better.

We got out of the store and I decided to spend some time
with Jeff. We got in my car and sat there for quite a
while. That's what we do. We sit in a car, listen to
different types of music, talk about what's been going on
and then eventually take a nap. We talked about a lot of
stuff. How he had a crush on me when he first met me and
how odd it was for him (I'm a lot like him, so it was like
he had a crush on himself, or so he put it), how I'm
worried about stuff in my life right now. I am losing hours
at work and I need money for stuff. I can't always ask my
parents for money. I have to think of alternate ways to
make money, and Jeff is just overall worried about me in
many aspects.

Him and I talked about Josh, what really happened that
night. I never really went to sleep, but I took a nap for a
few minutes while he went to go get something to drink.
That little nap was enough to really keep me up all night.
But it was weird being there. He didn't listen to anything
I had told him earlier in the evening. I had told him how I
hated it when friends suddenly wanted to fill the void in
my life. Chris is gone, but they want to take his place. I
told him how uncomfortable I get when someone tries to get
too close, too fast. Jeff I can handle. He's been with
Kendra 4 months longer than Chris and I have been together.
Him and I are ok. But Josh, him and I would talk and sit on
his futon/bed. I'd lie down and he'd lay next to me. I'd
say something and he "couldn't hear" so he'd sit up and I'd
repeat myself although I was getting uncomforable. I was
getting tired again, so I took another few minute nap, just
enough to keep me up. I couldn't sleep or else I'd miss my
first day of class. I think I felt something on me, hands.
Nothing too serious. The clothes I was wearing stayed on,
nothing went underneath these clothes. I woke up and he was
really close to me. He had a habit of lightly pinning me. I
bit his lip. I did this because his nose was touching mine
and he had my I laughed cause I thought it was funny. I
figured he'd take the hint to kinda back off. I mean hell,
I pushed him off of me a good 3-4 times that entire night.
But then again, I should have known better than to go there
in the first place. I got up and left a little while later,
it was 6:30 in the morning.

So Jeff and I talked about that. He's worred about me, how
I'm really taking things lately, how I am when I talk about
my friends. How in the past month or so, I'd either stay
away from him or cry on his shoulder. There wasn't an in-
between. How I seem to look for friends in the wrong type
of people. That if he knew I would be with Josh, that he
would have told me to be careful.

So once the conversation became lighter, he laid down in my
lap and I put my seat back a little. A sad song came on and
I cried, but Jeff didn't notice, he passed out. I fell
asleep at one point. He had his arms around me, I swear, I
felt like I was craddling a child. Like I was taking care
of him. We both woke up around 2, I guess? I drove home and
just thought a lot about everything in the evening. Jeff
just gave me a hug, a kiss on the forehead and asked me to
take care of myself and have a good time next week. I
suddenly thought...I found that friend.

I was talking about wanting a guy friend who understood
everything I was going through. Who would hold my hand and
kiss me on the forehead and tell me that it would be ok. Be
happy when soemthng good happened. Someone whose lap I
could sit on and put my arms around and just spill how
great my day was, or cry on his shoulder and have him just
hug me when I was sad. I found my friend. He's in a 2 1/2
year relationship. He knows how things are cause he doesn't
gt to see Kendra often at all. I found my friend after all
and it's the same 16 year old I had been talking to for 3
months.

Now I'm just talkign to Chris, I have been for 4 hours.
Just stuff. I told him about Josh, what Jeff and I did last
night. I cried with him about just junk. Nessa, this whole
distance thing with him and I. All sorts of stuff. A little
bit about the pregnancy, a little bit about what movies we
should watch next, "falcon goggles" lol, just stuff that we
usually talk about.

I can't wait to see him again. Today is the 9th, won't see
him till the 14th. 4 1/2 more days. I really hope his
night pass gets accepted.




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