courtney

it's all or nothing
2003-02-09 21:13:59 (UTC)

the first time

my mind is in a daze right now trying to figure out right
from wrong. i met jerry this weekend. jerry is a wonderful
man with so many amazing qualities. he's loving, kind,
compassionate, considerate, and gentle. i'm glad he's part
of my life. "i'm in love with you" came out of his mouth
this weekend. it scared me. no one has ever been in love
with me before. i don't want to hurt him.
some things went on this weekend that shouldn't have...but
it inevitably did. i didn't listen to anyone in regards to
handling the situation of him staying here. he should've
slept in amelia's bed or i should've slept in someone
else's room so the inevitable wouldn't happen....but it
did. that's all i'm gonna say. nothing i planned on but
something that i knew i could get into if the situation was
right. the situation was perfect.
don't get my wrong please. i love jerry...a lot and i care
for him deeply. never in my life have i been so blinded by
love. however, i can't help but feel regret for what
happened. not because of him...but becuase of me.
the gospel of Jesus Christ is my rock and salvation and
this weekend i did not stand firm in that. i let my
hormones overcome my testimony of chastity and virtue. i
didn't set an example to jerry of my morals and values
because they seemed to not exist this weekend. but i wanted
it so bad. i wanted him. i hadn't had that feeling in a
long time. there were so many things running through my
head every time i touched him...every time i kissed him. it
was scary. he's now driving home...with a stop in memphis.
i don't want him to feel bad about what happened. however,
i do want him to know that what happened shouldn't have
happened and he needs to repent as well. i'm going to be
talking to my friend cassie from church about it all after
church today. i can't take sacrament right now and since
i'm not feeling well...i didn't go to church today.
jerry...please know that i would never do anything to hurt
you and i love you. you are still my sunshine baby.
however, i want you to know that things have to
change...not becuase i want them to but becuase with the
inevitable comes change. you will never forget me now. i
will always be the one you remember. hopefully, you'll have
no regrets that it was me...but i hope you know that what
WE did was wrong and can't happen again.
i need to read my scriptures now.
love,
courtney




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