Alaina

Crying Wont Help Any
2003-02-09 20:25:45 (UTC)

Last Night

Heya,
I dont think ive written in a while, or maybe it was
just yesterday, i dont know.
Well last night wasnt very fun i guess. Yesterday I had
saturday school and that was surprisingly fun just due to
the fact that me and Kim just screwed around the whole
time. Then after Kristy gave her a ride home and I went
back over to Holdens house. Later that afternoon, Ryann
Holden and me went to the park. That was fun for a while.
Then Matthias, Nick, and Justus came and Nick poured a
bottle of water on me. That was cold, wet and unpleasant.
Then I was just pissed because in my mind I didnt do
anything to deserve that. I hope he enjoyed himself thought
because I certainly did not. Then we went and got their
Aunts car washed. After went to my house and I changed
clothes because I was wet and cold. An hour or so later the
three of us went to the mall. Ryann's gay boyfriend was
supposed to meet her there. He completely blew her off,
that prick. Then we hung out there and went back to their
house. I got in another one of my bitchy moods because of
so many things. Just my whole jealousy matter pisses me off
and I almost always make a complete mood change over
something. Holden never knows why and i dont think he ever
will. I have reasons for them the majority of the time but
I dont like to tell him why because he'll just think im
dumb or tell me that its no big deal. But in my mind IT IS
A BIG DEAL DAMN IT! and he doesnt get that. I was just
completely pissed and went outside and sat down crying.
Then Holden came out and crap. I guess everythings settled
now. I dont think Ill ever be okai.
Im not supposed to cry. Im supposed to be happy. As ive
said before, love is not supposed to hurt this bad but it
does. And theres nothing anyone can do about it. Its just
the way I am and thats not going to change. I just wish
that the things he does didnt make me cry anymore. Because
im tired of crying and I dont want to anymore. I was ready
to break up with Holden last night. I love him more than
anything but I was gonna end it. I dont wanna pull him
through anymore of this crap with me. He shouldnt have to
put up with all of my crap and he shouldnt have to get
pissed off because he doesnt know whats wrong with me. It
shouldnt be like this but it is. We're in love but shouldnt
we be happily in love? I mean I thought thats the way
things were supposed to go. But its not working out like
that. Im sad because of it. We shouldnt be like this, we
just shouldnt. I dont wanna break up but sometimes that
seems like what would be best. Then he wouldnt hurt me
without knowing that he did and i wouldnt cry anymore
maybe. Then he wouldnt be confused over me and he wouldnt
have to deal with me anymore. Im just too much of a problem
for anyone to handle.
And people wonder why i wanna kill myself. If i wasnt
here no one would have to deal with me. I wouldnt be a
problem for anyone anymore. No one would have to hate me
anymore. And no one would have to love me anymore. So maybe
that would just be better for me to be dead. If I did end
it all no one would know why really. Only I would and even
though it might not make sense to anyone else, it makes
more sense to me than it ever has before. Everyday it makes
more sense to be dead than the last day. And one of these
days I wont be able to take it anymore and im gonna die. I
can only take so much and I can only cry so many tears
before its all going to end.
{{alaina}}




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