RazorBlade

MidnightMayhem
2003-02-09 19:55:31 (UTC)

not the same....

So yesterday i actually left the house! isnt that amazing.
I told my mom i was bored and if she didnt let me do
anything that id start doing drugs to cure my boredome.
that got the point across real quick. I went to silvs
house, which was pretty fun cuz we were home alone and with
a house full of caffineated drinks and blue french fries
(yes they were blue dyed)....boi we were hyper. So she
ended up coming home with me and spending the night. We
talked to patrick on the phone for a bit which was pretty
cool. We were all looking at old elementary school
yearbooks and laughing hysterically. Ah, the days when
everything was simple and perfect. When we had no idea
about how this world was actually going to turn out. I miss
those days. The days when i actually wanted to go to
school. the days when my biggest worry was that he stole my
red crayon. the days when my biggest disappointment was
because wal*mart didnt have the toy i wanted. the days when
i cried because i fell off my bike or mom wouldnt let me
have ice cream before dinner. How i wish to go back to
those simple days. But anyways, we got off the phone with
patrick blah blah blah. Chris called that nite too. He was
pretty drunk. It was the funniest thing, i love that guy.
at about 2:30 me and silvia made pasta and read the sunday
papers cartoon section. then at 3:30 i called logan. BIG
MISTAKE! but what can i say, im fuckin screwed. so anyways,
Mike was over at his house and he took the phone and
wouldnt let me talk to logan so i decided to go to sleep
and let silvia talk to mike. Well finally when mike left
logan got on the phone and silvia woke me up and gave me
the phone. I talked to him for about 5 minutes. He was
being an ass and all that jazz. completely high as
expected... I swear to gawd, i dont know what to do
anymore. Hes so different. Hes not my old logan. The old
logan actually cared about things or atleast seemed as if
he cared. The old logan wasnt an ass so much. The old logan
wasnt this bad when it came to drugs. I used to be able to
talk to him. and his phone conversations used to bring a
smile to my face, now they just bring tears to my eyes.
After talking to him i would feel so relieved, now i jsut
feel even more burdened. But somehow i cant seem to let go.
How i want to say fuck you, i dont want to talk to you
anymore if your going to do this to me and not even care,
but i cant. I have this tiny bit of hope that somehow
things will go back to how they will. that somehow ill get
through to him or something...anything. It kills me. It
just kills me. Before we went to sleep silv wanted me to
promise her that i would never cut myself because of logan.
Now i myself know that i wouldnt do that cuz that reason is
stupid. But i couldnt make that promise cuz who knows what
the future holds. What is logan becomes another josh... the
thought alone scares me. I want so badly for things to just
once go my way. And i want this fear to leave me. I want
things to be how they used to be. I want to stop living in
the past. I want...things ill never have.


Its Monday and Raining- The Movielife
Breathe into me, leaks out the seams, I'm sinking fast.
Inflate my soul, my lungs are cold, try to make it last.

Feeling dead, the weight on my head is draining me.
The Monday skies are oversized in the strangest way.
I need you here, more than you know.

Breathe into me, leaks out the seams, I'm sinking fast.
Inflate my soul, my lungs are cold, try to make it last.

Feeling dead, the weight on my head is draining me.
The Monday skies are oversized in the strangest way.
I need you here, more than you know.

I know, I know you can change my day.
With any, anything you say.
Anything you say. Anything.




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