shifting mists
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2001-09-22 20:30:45 (UTC)

pain .. anger .. healing .. and hope ...

... it is not a matter of who can do more for me ... not a
matter of who can fulfill my dream sooner or better ... nor
a matter of what anyone did or didn't do - could or couldn't
do .. either for me or themselves .... it is a matter of the
heart ... a hearts choosing ... something that i never
expected i would feel because i had closed my heart ... or
so i had thought ...

When the day is long and the night,
the night is yours alone,
when you're sure you've had enough of this life,
well hang on.
Don't let yourself go,
everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

... he says i lied ... i guess in a way i did .... because i
didn't come right out from the beginning and name names ....
i tried so hard to keep names out of it ... to be gentle ...
but instead it ripped him to shreds anyway ...

... i blame myself for his pain .... i know that i tried my
best to keep as much pain from him as i could ... and i know
that i failed ... but ... because i tried my best i do not
feel guilt ... just sadness that he is hurting ... worry
about his well being ... and hope that he will recover
unchanged from the wonderful person he has been throughout
the time that i have known him ....

Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone,
if you feel like letting go,
when you think you've had too much of this life,
well hang on.

... he says that i couldn't possibly love him and do this
.... but that's the thing ... the ranges of kinds of love
that exist are more diverse than any rainbow ... and when
you realize that the kind of love you feel for someone is
not the kind needed to make a life with them ... then you
step away .... unfortunately i didn't fully realize that i
did not feel this love for him until i had met another with
whom i do ... who touch my heart in the way that tells me
that we are meant for each other in that lifelong way ....
and because of this he feels lesser ... not as worthy ...
and that is not true ...

... he says that it is because this new love is "new" ...
unfamiliar ... that queasy fluttering feeling in the tummy
type love ... but in reality ... it's not ... it's not that
hormonal rush of anticipation and exhilaration ... it is
deeper ... it is a radiant steady flow from deep within ...
a glow that stands steady in the darkness of my soul .. not
flickering ....

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand.
Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no,
you are not alone.

... the words that came out of his mouth that night ... and
perhaps still will for sometime to come are words of blame
... harsh words that express his pain and anger .... words
of coercion ... words to try and invalidate my feelings ....
and i understand why they come ... and it is alright ...

If you're on your own in this life,
the days and nights are long,
when you think you've had too much of this life
to hang on.

... at first when i heard all those words ... it turned my
world upside down .... they made me doubt myself ... they
made me doubt the love, care and dependability given to me
by him through the years and in turn, because of this, i
became conscious that i was concerned that future loves and
future relationships would also crumble in such a way ...
turn from beauty to pain in such a way .... and i worried
that i would be rejected by those that love and care about
me ....

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on.

... i know that this reaction is due to the trials of my
past ... and i understand that time will slowly heal those
wounds and fade the scars ... that i need to communicate
them ... i know if i bury the feelings and thoughts then the
worries will always be there festering under the surface ..
it's better for me to keep myself honest and work on healing
and solving those worries .. talking about them with those
that i love and care about .... expressing them so that they
will know what i'm thinking, even if that knowledge might
sting a bit ... so that they can understand my behavior
better ... and so that i can seek reassurance and
understanding from where i need it from (namely, from THEM
... my loved ones) ...

Everybody hurts. You are not alone.

... and so i will continue to strive ... for healing ... for
honesty both to myself .. within myself .. and with others

Lyrics courtesy of the song "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.