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2003-02-09 07:23:09 (UTC)

looking at some old memories

if I knew how to forget about it I would. but I can’t.
it’s binding, and to see someone going through the same
thing makes me hurt inside. I was just like that. so
miserable, and trapped out there. I couldn’t get out. but
I did. I came out of the shell, I broke free. but to be
constantly reminded of that place, to have it still in the
back of my mind, it scares me. I think about going back
there too much. I think about everyone there too much. in
that prison, they’re all trapped. I can’t forget. my mind
is still there. please forget please forget. but I can’t.
no matter how hard I try, it is a memory that I have
forever. and I want to forget. I want to move on, and be
happy in life, but it doesn’t work. why? am I never
satisfied? I act so spoiled all the time. everything seems
to get on my nerves. people are pissed off at me all the
time, and I get pissed off too easily. ahhh. people seem
to notice too. and I don’t want people to notice. but I
get these random impulses. they happen all the time. I
burst out, and I act so open. but I am not that way at
all, it’s not natural for me to do that. and yet I am
always doing it. maybe I am just blind and I don’t want to
see that it is natural. oh, I am so confused. I am a
dreadful person. I am so displeasing to look at, and I
have such a terrible personality. I’m like a bad book. I
change too quickly, and no one can follow where I am
going. sometimes I wonder what I am doing. I am so
confusing that I even lose myself. how lame. I can’t even
hold onto steady relationships. and it’s all because I am
ever changing and I never stop. I’m always acting so out
of hand and I know that it annoys everyone, but I think I
have a problem. because I can’t control it. it seriously
is an impulse. why do I do it? why can I not stop? please
help me stop, please. but I am who I am. I am
misunderstood, even by myself. too dramatic all the time,
bursting out when I get the chance, scaring people with my
racy actions. I don’t mean to do it. I am confused. this
impulse, at least it helps me to maintain some sort of
happiness, which is short lived. but deep inside, I am
always considering guilt, and the people and memories that
I left behind in that dreaded place. why does it have an
appeal to me? I shouldn’t even think that it does, because
it doesn’t. I don’t ever want to go back to Virginia, if
it’s the last thing I do. but why do I think about it so
often? I was born in San Diego, raised there, what the
hell is wrong with me? and the fact that no one
understands me at all, because I am so random all the
time, it’s all the more reason for me to curl up and hide
under a rock. see what I mean? I make the most random
remarks, and the next thing you know, I’m drifting off on
yet another pointless topic. why do I bother? I need to
die. I need to just get it over with already. I waste
everyone’s time anyway. no one really likes me, so there
isn’t a problem. I honestly contemplate who would miss me
if I disappeared one day, and I really can’t think of
anyone who would honestly care. my mom and dad spend all
their time caring for all the little ones, which isn’t
there fault, they have 7 children. and I understand
completely. my friends don’t really seem like much of
friends. most people that I think are friends turn out not
to be friends at all. most of them lie to me, talk about
me behind my back, and keep secrets from me. and then my
brothers and sisters, they’re too involved with each other
to notice. there’s so many of us, why would they care?
see, there really isn’t anyone that would care. and I am
not attached to anyone, as I never have been in my life.
why bother getting close to someone if you can’t trust
them enough anyway? so it would be no problem for me to
just go away somewhere for awhile. and it wouldn’t be for
that long. I’d just hide, and think, until I am ready to
face the world again, and be a person. so I will say good
bye once again, as if you care. because I am about ready
to die. you are sick of my rambling, and if you have made
it this far, I congratulate you. good bye.

oh my god, that's from when i lived on the east coast... i
was very scary... but i'm happy now!!!!

ahhhh i have issues... but i love you know GS! HAHAHA

bye people, love... me! woo hoo... ok...

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