Thoughts and Feelings
2003-02-09 07:02:32 (UTC)

Come What May

Current Mood: confused and frustration
Current Music: Moulin Rouge

I am torn in between two things, one side makes sense and
is strange and new, the other side would only hurt me again
but is comfertable. So I really don't know what I want to
do. I know what I should do, follow the side that is new.
No one likes to be hurt again so why would I consider
trying to go back to that. I have been wrestling with this
for weeks now, trying to understand why I'm feeling so
fucked up over this. My dreams reflect what I've been
feeling, confused and torn, and I often wake up every hour
in a sweat. The only time I have not thought about this
was Thursday night when I got so trashed, I finally stopped
thinking about him. But I really hate being so drunk, and
to be honest I didn't know I was drinking as much as I did,
damn margaritas, lol. But at least it made me forget. I
really want to start smoking again but I won't, lol geez no
sex or smokes, whats a girl to do? Try to channel all that
energy elsewhere, something I haven't found yet. Perhaps
this is what this journal is, channeling all of that energy
into something.
I really am dreading this friday, I don't want to be alone
again on singles awareness day. Sure I'll be with other
single friends, but I'm dreading the relationship bashing
we will go into. Everytime I pass the flowers in Kroger I
get a litte bit sad, especially now with "that" holiday
just around the corner. I've never had a sweet thought out
gift from someone I was in a relationship with. Well
seeing as person mentioned above was never romantic that
didn't help. I think a got a single rose, and thats
because i practically made him. My Christmas present?
well the first year we were togather: thongs, the 2nd
christmas: nada, the chistmas year: nada. same for my
birthday, he only got me something the first year we were
dating and even then he gave me money to pick something
out. So in other words I really have nothing from him that
I could tell everyone about. OK enough of this I'm going
to bed.

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