csadler

heart broken

so the last posting was really done last night with about 2
bottles of wine in me, but i didn't send it...instead i
went to bed...so i put it up this morning without reading
it...wanted to feel the emotion of the momemt...man, there
was a lot of 'v's...very hammered. so anyways...a lot of
bullshit happened last night

i went over to pat and kevin's last night and first of all
they made mepay $5.74 for a video game which was a real
kick in the nuts considering everything that happened. so
basically the day that she told me that she wasn't ready
for a "quasi-boyfriend" she started hanging out with pat.
and i was mad...understandably. then it comes out that he
fucked her. unbelievable. you can't see me, but it's so
hard for me to express my feelings i'm just sitting here
trying to figure out what happened. as if i'm not
depressed enough anyways :) not only do i lose the love of
my life (fine i said it) but probably my best friend
too...what pisses me off more than anything, is not that he
fucked her (although that does hurt, but it's not like i
owned her or anything) but that he didn't feel sorry about
it. he knew how i felt and he knew she was my first and
only and he didn't give a damn. he was sorry the way it
made me feel, but he wasn't sorry that he did it...or her.
unacceptable afaic. you don't nail somebody's ex-
girlfriend...sad to say i figured this was gonna happen and
with pat (psychic vision)...he tried to rationalize
it...and basically it came down to the fact that my
feelings didn't matter as much as his and a bunch of
bullshit. to him, he did nothing wrong. i'm so fucking
angry but i can't express it.
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH! now i feel better :) so i
wrote her a nasty email from his house...naturally after he
wrote an email saying "i'm sorry things didn't work
out...bad timing...maybe in the future" kind of bullshit
that pissed me off even more! so i wrote her an email one
second after that basically saying "go fuck yourself".
which was fair...apparently she told pat a bunch of
bullshit like i was always showing up at her house when i
wasn't wanted and calling her and shit. she said to me "i
don't want a quasi-boyfriend, but i still want to be
friends" that's cool...i have no problem with that. now
as far as going over there uninvited...she can fuck herself
(that seems to be a theme here). did she not say "it's a
call from my other boyfriend" at the Ex. and did she not
write me a bunch of stupid shit like how she wondered what
things would be like if we wouldn't have broken up and how
she missed me so much, etc. etc. pat was trying to
rationalize that...that made me feel a lot better. oh yeah
she was just saying that, and then she told me was a bad
fuck anyways when it all came down to it. for some reason,
he was *trying* to piss me off...and it worked. so i
grabbed all my shit and told him to go fuck himself (like i
said, seems to be a theme). i'll probably never talk to
him again...you know what *really* pisses me off
though...how he said to me that he did this after we
stopped talking a couple of weeks ago...like he was trying
*to get back at me*. what a fucking dick. uncalled for
and unfair. so i say to him (trying to explain how it
hurt) "that would be like me fucking jeannie" and he said
oh that's not the same...you were just together for like 2
months and you thought it was something that it wasn't. i
just sent her an email...

===========================================================
i just wanted to let you know that you both really hurt
me...apparently both of you thought that i had no feelings
at all...him being my best friend, and you...you knew how i
felt. anyways, that's all water under the bridge...i just
wish we wouldn't have started hanging out again at the end
of the summer, would've made this a lot easier. i think i
fell in love with you in 2000 and some of these feelings re-
emerged and i'm hurting right now. i know none of this
matters now, and i know it doesn't matter but i just wanted
to tell you this...wouldn't want you to remember me by a
profanity-laced rant. it's just too bad that you didn't
say something...remember i said that i don't take subtle
well? well i guess this is an un-subtle as you can get :)

see ya
===========================================================

yeah i came out and said it...i love her...i'm so hurt
right now. i don't really know why i sent that...is it
because i may want to get back with her? maybe, but that
will go away...hopefully :) pat also told me that she
liked him even before she started going out with me...i
can't believe he said she was a bad lay, and then said not
that i'd know. what a cocksucker. i *reall* don't want to
go this thing tonight...every couple there having a good
time...me and fucking jack daniels getting reacquainted
after last night i walked home at about 4:30 am so i didn't
get the fucking sleepingbag from pat...i did get all my
games though so they wouldn't sell them :) the worst thing
was that i convinced myself (yet again) that kirk was gonna
die so i was in tears about that too...it's sad really.
hopefully i get a job out of town so i can get away from
all these fucking people...i have a hurt in the pit of my
stomach that just won't go away...i'm sure there's more but
i just want to sleep this all away. just for rememberance
sake, i'll put the lyrics to amanda (coincedentally i
deleted this off my hard drive this morning) :)

===========================================================
Amanda
Babe, tomorrow's so far away
There's something I just have to say
I don't think I can hide what I'm feelin' inside
Another day, knowin' I love you
And I, I'm getting too close again
I don't want to see it end
If I tell you tonight will you turn out the light
And walk away knowin' I love you?

I'm gonna take you by surprise and make you realize,
Amanda
I'm gonna tell you right away, I can't wait another day,
Amanda
I'm gonna say it like a man and make you understand
Amanda
I love you

And I feel like today's the day
I'm lookin' for the words to say
Do you wanna be free, are you ready for me
To feel this way
I don't wanna lose you
So, it may be too soon, I know
The feeling takes so long to grow
If I tell you today will you turn me away
And let me go?
I don't wanna lose you

I'm gonna take you by surprise and make you realize,
Amanda
I'm gonna te ll you right away, I can't wait another day,
Amanda
I'm gonna say it lik e a man and make you understand
Amanda

You and I
I know that we can't wait
And I swear, I swear it's not a lie girl
Tomorrow may be too late
You, you and I girl
We can share a life together
It's now or never
And tomorow may be too late

And, feelin' the way I do
I don't wanna wait my whole life through
To say I'm in love with you
===========================================================

i'm a sap :) i just want this day to end...i'll try my
best to put a strong face on but it's gonna be hard...i'm
also gonna try my best not to get too hammered tonight and
tell clayton what i think of him for not saying
anything...i'm kind of upset that julie won't come by and
visit anymore because she's mad at pat...i think she should
be mad at her roomie afaic anyways, i'm leaving and i'm
leaving broken, pissed off and disillusioned in love...i
should write a country song :)

craig