In the Pits of Despair
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2001-09-22 06:06:04 (UTC)

A funny email I got...

This is a little strong, but then again this is America.

If I Were President George W. Bush's Speech Writer.
By Mitchell R. Robb

Good evening my fellow Americans.
First, I want to pass on my condolences to the people of New York and
all Americans that are hurting in this tragic time. You can rest
assured that anything and everything that can be done to assure the
safety of our country will be done. This is the greatest country in
the world and we will get through this trying time. Now is the time
for all people to set aside our petty differences and show the world
that no one or nothing can destroy the fortitude of the American

To the people responsible for today's tragedy, I say this:
Are you fucking kidding me? Are the turbans on your heads wrapped too
tight? Have you gone too long without a bath? Do you not know who you
are fucking with? Americans are so hungry to kill, that we shoot at
each other every day. We will relish that opportunity for new targets
for our aggression.

Have you forgotten history? What happened to the last people that
started fucking around with us? Remember the little yellow bastards
over in Japan? We slapped them all over the Pacific and roasted about
2 million of them in their own back yard. That's what we in America
call a big ass barbecue. Ever seen Texas on a map? Ever wonder why
it's so big? Because we wanted it that way, Mexico started jacking
around with the Alamo and now they cut our lawns. England? We sent
them packing.

Ask your buddy Saddam about fucking with the good 'ole USA. The only
reason he got away the first time is because it's too hard to shoot
someone when you're doubled over laughing at them. Our soldiers aren't
trained to laugh and shoot at the same time. Now he couldn't stop a
pack of cub scouts from taking over his shitty little country.

Trust us, Afghanistan will end up a giant kitty litter box. Go ahead
and try to hide, Bin Laden. There's not a hole deep enough or a
mountain high enough that's going to keep your camel riding asses
safe. We will bomb every inch of the country that harbors him, his
camps and any place that looks and even smells like he was there.
Hell, we might even drop a few bombs on people that have pissed us
off in the past. This is America. We kick ass. This is what we do. Go
ahead and laugh now, but the Tomahawks are coming and we will smoke
your sorry asses.

God bless America!