A Dreamer's Playground
2001-09-22 01:06:07 (UTC)

Forever Creating My Own Pain

Nearly my whole day consisting of the time after a
dreadful inevitable day at school, I've spent in sorrow
with thoughts of Rob and what we once had.
I once used to fear that what we had was but a dream.
A mere fantasy to remove me from the aweful pain that is my
real life. My constant fear was that I would one day wake
up and be brought back into the hell I have to call
reality. And indeed it was a dream...starting plain and
simple than going farther and farther into greatness until
my misleading angel slowly transformed into a nightmare,
the satan, leader that my hell revolved around, bringing me
deeper into his corruptive, devious clutches.
My life, my world, revolved around him, and sadly
enough it still does. I no longer reap the benefits of a
caring, adorable, sexual boy, but I suffer in a pile of
disregarded trash of a demon whose only purpose is to bring
me down and make me realize how pathetic I really was to
think that anyone, much less he, could ever truly care
about me and show me that I am wanted when in truth I am
Sure I've words and just enough experience to create
appeal to horny men, but to have a purpose of merely
fulfilling some cheap thrills makes my opinion of myself,
somehow, lower than it already is.
I used to obsess over Rob for the way I felt when I
was with him, though now, my mind isn't obsessed, but
infested, like the dirty contageous creature he is, with
inescapeable thoughts of sadness and self hatred.
My sorrow still goes unnoticed and overlooked and
until it is realized and dealt with, I still fear I stand a
chance of dying, whether literally or mentally, most likely
both, I continue to slowly die.

yahoo = night_shine77
aim = zeos2004