A Dreamer's Playground
2001-09-22 00:33:52 (UTC)

Reminising of a Painful Past

Going over an old diary I found...well actually wanted
and needed to write in...I realized just how much I had
been obsessed with Rob. I must have truly felt I loved
him, though in my false state of blind love, it never
crossed my mind that he was but merely a boy who only
wanted someone to play with his dick.
I used to get angry more than I can even remember,
though now it has dwindled to mainly saddness...well, I'm
not even sure why, but it just seemed so important to me to
get my thoughts down on paper and actually form the letters
and the words that seared my soul as opposed to merely
pushing buttons. It just seemed so empty and emotionless.
I suppose my real thoughts will mainly be expressed as I
write them, though that doesn't mean I don't intend to add
them to my online diary for there is always chance for
catastrophe and perchance losing my precious, no matter how
horrible, memories and thoughts.
Yesterday, like many other days, I went to my room
early at night and cried and couldn't stop. It was then
that I felt it was mandatory that I write my feelings for
my sister was on the computer and just seemed to forever
remain there and I couldn't wait another moment.
Anyway, this is what I wrote.

My hostile attitude so rarely occurs anymore. It has
been far too long since I revealed my feelings on paper in
a form other than poetry. Even my poetic inspiration is
scarce these days. I've neither the will nor patience to
even attempt writing my thoughts poetically lately.
It has been quite some time ago that Andrew moved
out...and for a while, however short it may have been, I
was happy. Content with my life and willing to bare it and
go on...though...that has changed. My life is once again
the living hell Andrew had made it though he is removed
from my suffering and somehow my pain is now far greater
than it has ever been before.
As soon as Andrew moved out, Rob quickly took his
place. Hanging around every day, just being
there...obsessing over my sister.
I can recall one time at Karen's, Rob had said to me
that as soon as Andrew moved out, he would be over more
often to hang out with me and my sister.
When Rob started coming to our house every day, he
never made the slightest attempt to touch me where as not
even merely a week earlier he would feel me at every
possible chance.
After not too long, Corrine broke up with Andrew for
all he wanted when he came over to see her was some cheap
thrills and to have his sexual desire fulfilled.
Far too soon Rob and Corrine started going swimming
with each other every day at my grandmother's house.
It is in Rob's nature to flirt, but to see him flirt
with my sister both enraged and frightened me.
Soon I spent much of my time crying and feeling sick
to my stomach with the thought of Corrine and Rob dating.
I tortured myself relentlessly not knowing if they were
actually together.
One night after telling everything I was feeling to
Nathan online, I finally got the courage to ask my sister
if she was going out with Rob and what I had feared and
truly knew of course was true.
It took me a while, but I slowly started to cope with
it...but when I had to witness her in his arms, I would be
either driven mad with anger at Rob or I would be hurled
into depression.
One night Rob came to our house and surprised her with
an afghan blanket she had wanted for the longest time with
a poem on it.
To realize how much he cared about her and how he
never wanted anything from me other than sex made me feel
overcome with nausea.
I went to my room and cried. I bawled my eyes out and
rocked back and forth repeating to myself over and over
again, "What did i do to deserve this".
To be used then just merely have my face shoved in it
as she is showered with gifts and treated to dinner and
Just tonight when Rob held my sister and gingerly
kissed her neck, I nearly broke down in tears at that exact
My sister takes all she has for granted, including Rob.
She had once told our mother that she was annoyed at
how he hung around her so much.
How can she be so blind as to how good she has it
while I suffer and long for what she has?
Rob is an evil twisted bastard and I truly wish he
would die because of the way I now feel because of him.
It is unfair and unjust that I surrendered my heart in
a blind state that I had considered love when in truth it
could not be for what he felt could have in no way compared
to how I felt for him.
My every moment I usually bother to think is infested
with thoughts and memories of what he did to me and there
is no doubt in my mind that I make this pain as great as it
is and bring myself closer to death.

yahoo = night_shine77
aim = zeos2004