Hidden thoughts and alibis
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2001-09-21 21:56:06 (UTC)

The difficult first entry ...

Hmm, this seemed like such a good idea until it came to
thinking what to write. I suppose this will be my own
private space. I don't really have a lot of secrets, but I
don't really find it easy talking to my friends about the
way I feel, so I guess this may be a good way to vent some
of that frustration (although no doubt my friends will one
day read this). Before we go any further, I'm not some
stupid 13 year old goth who is going to come on here and
complain a lot. My life is for the most part good, I'm
happy in almost every aspect of my life (although I'll
explain in greater detail later). So, if you're expecting
some entertaining goth ramblings, I'm afraid you won't get
them. I probably won't keep this updated everyday, having
so much work to do (band, game development, university,
game music composing etc), but I'll try and keep this
updated as much as possible.

So yeah, as I was saying. I'm not some sad goth, in fact, I
think my unusual optimism in life pisses a lot of my
friends off. I have one friend who doesn't want anything in
his life to work out (hello Dan!), and an irate bass-
playing best friend who sometimes hates everything, and
sometimes only hates SOME things. But nevermind, for the
record I may bitch about them but they are my two best
friends and I do love them (in that platonic, non-
homosexual, "Greek" way). Also, my cousin (and other best
friend, and not to mention drummer) Richard. Richard is
just one cool dude. I think he's suffering from teenage
confusion a little, but then again he's younger than me and
I know I went through the same phase, so I guess it's cool.
Either way, me and Richard have spent a lot of quality time
vandalising other peoples musical equipment and annoying my
Grandad for over a decade (we have thrown teddy bears over
his head a lot of times). I also have a brother, Damien,
who for the most part is pretty decent (but y'know, there
is always that sibling shit going down). He's in his "sick"
phase of teenagedom, by that I mean Shaun Hutson and
Stephen King, horror movies and creepy games: He loves them
all. I think it's the entire non-conformity thing, he's
writing poetry and novellas and hanging pictures of dead
people and serial-murderes quotes on his wall. I wouldn't
worry though, I don't think he means too much by it.
Although, he does own a stainless steal Samurai sword, so I
better not piss him off badly, after all, you never know

Now, onto another friend. For the record (again), if she or
anyone else ever reads this I haven't picked this person
out as being my one best friend, or for any reason special
to her. Rather, more the situation and it's sometimes
difficult/sometimes comical consequences. You see, you may
have gathered I'm a boy, and this friend of mine, is indeed
a girl. Now, maybe this is just in my neighbourhood, but
people have a hard time grasping how a boy and girl can
be "just friends" *nudge nudge, wink wink, pat, pat* And I
spend most of time worrying about what people will think if
I do something with her (as trivial as visit her or go out
somewhere with her). Which makes things difficult, because
me and Sarah are very good friends.

Have you ever seen that show Ally McBeal? Well, Ally has
this other lawyer friend called John, who she can talk to
really well. John isn't neccessarily her BEST friend, or
the one she has most in common with, but their minds and
thoughts work on the same wavelength, and so they find it
easy to communicate and share problems and thoughts
together. Thats exactly how I feel with Sarah. It's not
like she is my best friend (that award by default goes to
Joe, after spending more than a decade in each others
company and pretty much being able to finish each others
sentences off). But, me and Sarah are still best
friends,and we can talk easily. Besides, it isn't a
hierarchical system, friends are just friends and I value
them all for their different traits (and when I say value,
both positively and negatively ;)).

Ok then, so, Sarah is kind of like my journal, she listens
to everything I have to say and I feel better. But now, I
have this diary to talk to, because there's some things I
can't even tell Sarah (but thats me).

Ok then, now onto me. What am I to myself and other people?
Well, it's hard (and unfair) to try and accurately portray
myself, because I'm going to be biased (people either love
themselves or hate themselves, I'm usually in the middle
until something big happens). But this is some observations
I've made of myself:

* I'm shy. Not in that "cute" shy way unfortunately, it's
not that I can't speak to people, it's just that I can't
say the things I wish I could say all the time.

* I have a hard time sharing secrets. Really, I do. It's
always been me and I've pissed my friends off hiding and
lying so that I don't have to tell them how I feel, and in
a way I don't understand why.

* People interest me greatly. I really like watching how
people behave, not in a pervy way, but watching little
traits people have. The problem is, I think some people who
I know only a little may get freaked out, because even
though I try to be discreet, I guess trying to follow what
someone is doing is more obvious than it looks. If anyone
ever reads this and thought I acted weird in the past, I
apologise! I was probably just thinking something you did
was cute/cool/interesting/amazing. Like, for example my
friend Daniel coughs a lot when he is nervous or about to
do something, like answe a door. It's kinda cool, cos we're
about to do something and he just makes this little cough
and then carries on. I notice things like that, but because
I watch people and pay attention to them, I often neglect
to interact and maybe I seem upset or withdrawn. I'm, one
of those sad people that goes out and is content to sit in
silence and watch people.

* I like my own company. Not in an arrogant "I'm cool" way,
but most of my friends like their other friends to do stuff
with them (like go to town, or go out). I'm content to do
most things by myself, partly because I like to think about
things so I can make a better judgement on them. Not to say
I'm anti-social, I love talking to people or doing things
with them, but I don't mind being alone most of the time
(which as you'll discover, is a useful trait).

* I've never had a girlfriend :O ... yep, it's true, I'm 18
and never had one. Ok, so, maybe I've had a holiday
girlfriend, but thats not something that really needs
explaining. Why? I don't know. I've had a few "offers" in
the past (but I mean only a few). But I can trace it down
to two reasons:

1) I like really really nice girls. Goes without saying I
know, but many a time my friend Joe has deemed my
standard "too high". It's something I can't help. It's a
pity really, the girl I like right now is probably the most
ideal girl for most boys, so I have a habit of aiming for
the stars and smacking my head on the ceiling. Still, this
girl is really cool.

2) I just can't ask people! Grrrh! I almost sound goth with
this one, but it's true. I just can't ask people out, even
ask them for phone numbers or something stupid. I've wasted
so many opportunities to make good friends because of it
too!!! It's probably my biggest flaw and I hate myself for
it, but it's me. Maybe I'll change, but I doubt it.

Am I an interesting person? I don't know, I try not to
think too hard about who I am and just simply be that
person. I have good talks with my friends but I can't relax
around either girls I like or people I don't know, so
my "qualities" (if I may be so confident for a second)
aren't really evident until you get to know me.

Do I have flaws? Hell yes! I've listed most of them, but my
major one is my complete lack of communicative skills
sometimes (they come and go like mood swings [which
thankfully, I don't really suffer from much]), so I
sometimes (although not much anymore) make stuff up to keep
conversation going and interest people (as sometimes they
seem bored by me ;)). I used to do it an awful lot (that
came out of being the youngest and hence the runt of a
friendship triangle, the only way to keep people listening
to me was to embelish my stories and it became a habit for
me), and I still get frightened if people seem to be
disinterested in me, or I can't get words in conversations.
I've controlled myself now, which is good, I used to think
I suffered from some kind of attention deficit disorder,
but it was me being a bit afraid of feeling unwanted again
(and me being a selfish shit, but thats life).

I love music, I listen to it, write it, analyse it, live it
and breath it. And I listen to all kinds, rock, orchestral,
electronica, ambient, film soundtracks, game soundtracks
etc. I'm in a band but I'll talk about that as time
requires. I also write game scores (and to an extent film
scores, but they're either amateur or never really locked
pictures, so I wouldn't call myself a "film composer".
Music isn't really an escape from life for me, as I have no
problem with living, it's more of an analysis,
interpretation and comprehension of life. I write about my
life and try to make my music reflect that. But in a
nutshell music is one of the main ingredients of my life.

Now, onto probably the main reason I started this diary,
girls. How cliche, how teenage, how boring you may ask, but
my lack of girlfriend (or real prospects) coupled with my
deep love for this one girl is kinda eating away at me
right now. I suppose I can mention her name, as I doubt
she'll ever read this. But, umm, if for some reason she
does I just want her to not get freaked out by this stuff
(none of it is sick, sexual or offensive, but having some
boy write about you may seem freaky and I mean it in the
best possible heart). Also, for her privacy I'll mention
her first name only, not that people would care enough
about me to hunt her down, but I suppose it's respectful to
not give away all her details. Her name .. is Alana. Pretty
name huh? Ok so that sounds soppy but I think my soppy side
doesn't really have anywhere but here to turn, so I might
as well take advantage of my diary. This is the dilemma

*Boy really likes girl.
*Girl doesn't really know boy.
*Boy has no idea how girl really feels about him, whether
she likes him, hates him, doesn't really care either way.
*As a result, boy (coupled with poor communicaion skills)
can't explain his feelings to her.
*Boy now doesn't really have a reason to speak to her (I
have left school and to nervous to take advantage of any
other means of communications [which, funnily enough is
*On top of this common dilemma (seen in many Freddie Prinze
Jnr or Chris Klein movies) there is also another twist.
This girl is beautiful (and believe me, not just by my
standards) and incredibly popular. She is very polite,
interesting and cute, and most boys would flock to her feet
if she asked them.

Ok so this isn't exactly an exciting twist, but it poses a
problem for me. I'm not like, a fat, pug ugly fugly,
dislikable person (in my opinion *prays others won't feel
the same*), but at the same time, I'm not a handsome,
amazing boy either. And, this girl would have them at her
feet too if she wanted. So, I'm kinda unhappy about it all
because I really do like her, and I know shes had a hard
time with boys who have taken advantage of her in the past,
in various ways (well, I don't really know any details but
I know enough). She is like .. umm .. a really really cute
puppy, who is very sweet and kind. And some people mistreat
puppies like that because they know they won't attack them
and they can abuse them and get things from them. That's
what she's like (for want of a better metaphor, however)
and I just get upset that someone would do that to her (or
to innocent puppy dogs for that matter). I know thats a
huge cliche, and I'm not saying that I'd be the only boy
for her or some shit like that (thats obviously up to her),
but, I just wish I could tell her without fear of freaking
her out or messing up any kind of relationship (friendship
or more) I could possibly have with her.

Here is the other slight twist, remember Sarah? My oh-so-
good friend who I can talk to. She is one of Alana's best
friends. Which, in some way (and for most people) would be
the perfect way to get in with Alana of a friendly level.
But here is the problem:

* I don't want to offend or upset Sarah (or Alana) by kind
of "using" Sarah to get closer to her. I get the feeling
sometimes Sarah thinks I'm only so friendly with her to get
closer to Alana (when we were all at school) and I'd hate
to make her feel that way, so I try not to really ask Sarah
for anything even though I really want to do something
about my frankly piss-poor state of affairs.

* Even if I did have a reason to see Alana, I can't bring
myself to say something to her unless she speaks first :S.
It's stupid, I just don't want to bother her (because I
feel thats what I would do) and so my as mentioned
communication problem leaves me stuck (really).

I've tried writing Alana e-mail, a txt message, stuff like
that, but unfortunately I can't get the guts to send them
to her and so I'm losing hope of becoming even friendly
with her. Which sucks, because I honestly like Alana as a
person to. I find it (when I could get the courage) quite
easy to speak to her and even if there was never any chance
of something between us I'd still like an opportunity to be
friends with her. Again it's a cliche to say "I like you
personality as well as your looks" but it's true. Remember
my observation problem? Well, she is the most curious
little creature and she has an imaginative mind (like, one
of those minds that has the funniest little thoughts). It's
kinda arrogant to say "Oh we have SO much in common", but
we do seem to think similarly and I really hope my stupid
personality problem subsides so, if nothing else, I can be
friends with her.

So, thats kinda the issues in my life right now I'll go on
to explain problems, events, cool things etc in my life and
among my other friends as time goes by. But I've been
feeling pretty alone tonight so I thought a diary might
give me time and space to think and get my thoughts on
paper. Once again, if my friends read this don't get angry
and if Alana reads this ... umm ... hi and please don't be
offended by all this stuff.

Goodnight, and take care.

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