Chelle

Experience, Strength, & Hope
2001-09-21 21:29:22 (UTC)

Discouraged

David and I applied for an apartment yesterday, and today I
was told that there are a few reasons they won't rent to
me. I'm upset because I am realizing that through my
entire 8 year relationship to Dave and the 3 year marriage
embedded in it, I allowed myself to virtually disappear on
paper. I don't have any credit to speak of, and there are
a few outstanding issues of Dave's (the Ex) making it look
bad, even. I've been taking care of the children and the
house and therefore been out of work, which makes me less
employable today. He had everything under his name, (and
there's a lot there...) so he gets all of the credit for
the assets and credit. Sigh... all I want is a little
humble home for David and I to share with the girls, that
we can build together... OUR place. I'm sure that all of
this is happening for a reason, sometimes it's just hard to
see what that is when it's happening. I get faith and take
comfort in knowing that God has a plan for all, and I know
that someday in the future I will see and know His
reasoning behind this decision. And I know that it will
work out... I am letting go of it today and handing some of
it over to David. I know that I can't help us get a place,
I am so stuck. I have to turn my will over to God and let
Him work it out, I have done the footwork I am capable of.
Until we find a place for us, David's parents are beautiful
and have welcomed me into their home. I am grateful to be
here, among Love and compassion.

This incredible Love that I have in my heart for my David
overwhelms me... I have only felt this way on 3 occasions
in my life, and each one of those was a time that David and
I crossed paths in life and came together. This time we
are staying together. I will never reject this gift that
God keeps giving me again. With a sober mind and a pure
heart, I Love him with everything I am and can be. He is
my Angel, my Love, my Soul, my breath... he brings out all
of the best in me that I've always wanted for myself. He
is my other half... my "Other Self". We are so whole
together, and so diminished apart. It kills me when we
veer off track away from each other, and fear and
insecurity pulls us apart. It seems such a waste for
either of us to be in fear or doubt... we are so beautiful
together and we need one another. I have made a vow to
myself not to waste another moment in defense, doubt, or
anger when it comes to him. Together we can build what
most only dream about. We laugh at the world that doesn't
understand us, and stare in amazement at each other, in
that we've found the One who does. We are a miracle as One.

On 9/11/01 Terrorists attacked America. They hijacked and
flew 2 of our own domestic commercial passenger Airline
Jets into the Twin Towers in New York, bringing down our
entire World Trade Center and killing probably close to
5,000 innocent American civilians. The world is in shock.
The United States is in mourning, and is angry beyond
belief. I fear that we are on the brink of World War III,
and it will not be pretty. Last night David and I were at
the Fellowship, my soul was warm and my heart was comforted
by the music that makes him, and we were worshipping our
God. Bob was talking afterward, about that moment in time
where we have gone from feeling safe, to not feeling safe.
I remember those times as a child myself... I remember when
one of my Mom's ex-boyfriends was stalking her and creeping
around our home. One night I saw him lurking around... My
Mom had gone out with friends after work and my brother was
spending the night with a friend, and I was so terrified I
sat in the middle of our living room floor with a big knife
from the kitchen, and the telephone in my hand. I was
calling every bar and club in town I could think of,
looking for my Mom. After she eventually came home we
called the Police and the looked around the house and found
his footprints in the mud. They didn't find him though,
and when we eventually talked to his father a few days
later we learned that he was institutionalized the day
after he was creeping around the house. He had multiple
personalities. The fear in my gut today over the safety of
our nation is similar to that feeling... Are we safe in our
homes? Are our children safe in their schools? San Diego
is a major military town... we have Camp Pendleton
(Marines) in Oceanside, Miramar Airforce Base down the
street, The Naval Base in National City... it's scary. I
read something today about not drinking tap-water. Some of
it has been found to be poisionous. They have taken so
many terrorists into custody that didn't manage to pull off
their crimes as far as we know. How many more are they?
They have completely infiltrated our Nation. I believe
that God has a plan here too, but I don't think he planned
for this carnage and violence and death. I think that's a
lot of human self-will run riot, and God is sitting back
and watching us kill each other and shaking his head,
ashamed of us. Have we learned nothing of what he's taught
us?

I'm going to get the girls this afternoon and bring them
over here to David's. I hope we have a nice evening
together.

God Bless everything and everyone.