All That I Am
Ad 0:
Try a free new dating site? Wiex dating
2003-02-07 03:37:10 (UTC)


I'm drawing a blank right now! I have no clue what to talk
about.....ummmmm. I have this pain in my right shoulder
that's been bugging me since yesterday. I've been bending
and twisting all over the place trying to pop it but it's
not working. I need to get someone to walk on it, this
happened before and Rhys (who is 14yrs old and wears a size
13 shoe....absurd) just put his big toe on my back and
popped it back. I just don't understand how you can have
feet that big and your not even 6ft yet....yet.

You know what I really want to do this year? I want to go
to the gay pride parade in San Francisco. It's in June. I
think that would be so much fun. I would want to be in it
though. I would have to be wearing something skimpy or
revealing though like leather or I saw this one picture of
these guys who only had on boots and had the american flag
wrapped around there wastes. It was covering all the goods
but damn they were hot. If I went to the parade I'd have to
be hot too, I don't think I would do the drag thing or just
go there looking plain either. I'd have to stand out.

I was also looking at the gay cruises that they have but
then I was thinking all they do on them is screw each
others' brains out. Which isn't bad but then I'm thinking
that there's so many diseases going around that I'd
probably end up being the only celibate one on the damn
ship. But then again who knows once I have a few screw
drivers. See this is all I think about everyday, men! Men,
men, men.....and General Hospital.

I had another goal that I wanted to achieve sometime next
year and that is to go to one of the tennis grandslams in
either New York City...Melbourne, Australia...France (can't
remember the city..unless Roland Garros is the city)...or
England (can't remember that city either...I think London
though...unless Wimbeldon is also a city). I'm a huge
tennis fanatic and love traveling too but the only places
outside the U.S. I've been to have been Canada, Mexico, and
Germany. I really want to go to Australia first but that's
going to cost me a few thousand dollars.

I've decided that this diary is going to be my "silent
psychologist" since I can't afford a real one. So, I guess
each time I write in it I'll tell something that's
bothering or haunting me. I already let you into the
situation, or lack thereof, with my dad. I was laying in
bed the other night and thinking about what would happen if
I found him. I then started thinking about his other
family and what if they wouldn't accept me and I'd be the
odd one out. I wonder since he has at least another kid
whether or not he even thinks of me anymore. Does Candace
fill my role? Is she enough for him? Why would he want to
look for me if he already has a kid(s) there who he loves?
Kinda depressing when I started thinking about it. Then I
started thinking about my estranged brother Xavius. He's
another story too. But basically my mom had four boys:
William, Xavius, Amond, and Rhys (in order from oldest to
youngest). Me and Xavius have two different fathers and
Rhys and Amond have the same father. Bill (my father) and
Marcus (Rhys and Amond's father) are the one's that
basically bailed on us but Greg (Xavius' father) actually
wanted Xavius. I don't know all the specifics about the
story and I start to confuse myself sometimes because it's
too sensitive a topic for my mom. But we all got split up
for a time, I stayed with mom, Rhys and Amond went to their
grandparents on their dad's side and Xavius went with his
dad. I know that this was the hardest time for my mom
because she was in the military and also had one or two
extra jobs on the side and she just couldn't handle all of
us and she was estranged from her family (another story all
together). We ended up getting back together, me and rhys
and amond but not Xavius. I think Greg and his family was
fighting to keep Xavius or something. But fast forward to
the present and Xavius doesn't write. He doesn't call. We
assume he's in Mississippi but who knows. The last address
my mom had, he moved w/o telling her. It's all a big mess.
A couple years ago too, Greg took my mom to court for child
support on Xavius. He got back pay and the whole nine
yards. Just a mess. How in the hell can you charge a
single mother with child support when the son was living
with her off and on? He stayed with us in Alaska for a
year in 1997 I believe but he just wasn't adjusting well.
He was used to being the only child in his house with his
dad and grandparent's and then he came into our house where
he was 2 out of 4. Me being #1 of course. And he didn't
really listen to mom and it was all jacked up. And now he
doesn't call or anything. I just wonder what's going
through his head and what Greg told him. Of course Greg
and my mom don't get along at all, especially after the
child support debacle. If Xavius ever does decide to come
back though he's going to deal with 3 very angry siblings.
It would be one thing if the boy was like 10yrs old and was
all innocent and whatnot but he's 18yrs old. He's an adult
and shouldn't be taking one penny from her. But whatever
that's him. He has some anger toward her but his situation
is completely different from mine or Rhys and Amonds'. I
have no clue where my dad is. Rhys and Amond know where
their dad is and talk to him from time to time and he pays
child support but he doesn't want to be a part of their
lives. He's happy having no kids to deal with. But mom has
fought to have Xavius and he's lived with us and she's
given him so much, including a computer that I wanted back
in 2000, but this is how he treats her? Oh, hell no. I
call him the estranged one because I don't love Xavius.
The same way I don't love my dad. I don't know them.
They're blood but that ultimately only goes so far. I kind
of look at him as the betrayer in a way. In our family,
mom's the supreme one and you just don't fuck with her.
You have to deal with us if you do. I know Amond was vocal
about Xavius and the child support thing but I think that's
was more personal for him. He and Xavius were friends in
Alaska and when he came over when we were in Texas and then
all of a sudden he stopped calling. There's so much shit
that's wrong with our family and when I see what other
people have and when they have family reunions I get so
jealous. They don't know how good they have it.

Well, that was good. I got my Xavius issue out. I'll have
to think of something new next week. I can only get on the
internet when I'm at work so I'll probably only write about
3 times a week unless I sneak in here on an off day. It's
been fun but I gots to go! Later.

Try a free new dating site? Short sugar dating