allie lost

allie lost
Ad 0:
2001-09-21 20:17:02 (UTC)

hot showers, silent treatment and society sucks.

why is it that i am so stupid as to walk into the same
traps repeatedly? i trust the people i shouldn't. i jump
into friendships that i should just walk away from. i know
why i have no female friends, that is simply because i
don't find that i think like a girl. however, atleast girls
have the decency to degrade you to your face instead of
just forgetting you exist. i thought i had finally hit it
off with a group of friends. yes they are excentric and yes
they are social outcasts but they are confident in thatand
they at the very least capable of coherent thought. i had
never met two people quit like patrick and steve. the fact
that we could sit in moxie's for four hours talking about
anything from government to how we don't fit in anywhere in
teenage society. i thought that i was set. however, as
usual, as soon as i think i see stability, my world
crumbles around me. i really don't understand it, but now
suddenly pat and stevey won't acknowledge me. it is the
most bizzare thing. like suddenly i am invisible. the
extensive conversations about the lastest turmoil in our
strange lives has been replaced with a safe and meaningless
hello. it seems as if i have done something to offend them,
but yet i riddle at what. so, instead of facing my problem,
i run from it. i have avoided school at all costs this
week, most likely aiding the separation by literally
disappearing. and i stay home and do homework. and i take
hot showers. it seems that when i feel cold and lonely on
the outside, the only place i feel comfortable enough to
let down my guard in in a scalding hot shower. this disatre
with chadreally isn't aiding the process of healing and
dealing. the fact that i now know why we have drifted apart
scares me, because i can no longer hide behind saying that
it is because of scholastic circumstance. we spoke on
monday about how it is my problems that have scared him
away. which i find to be the biggest slap in the faceknown
to man. from the very beginning he had asked me to tll him
everything that was hurting me, that he wanted to know when
i was down, ever if he couldn't help he wanted to know. now
i find out that he can't bare to hear any more of what is
going on in my life. that he feels bad that u'm hurting and
that he doesn't feel that he can devote enough time to
solve my problems. which would seem valiant, if only i had
asked for him to be my live in pshychiatrist. but i idn't.
i never asked him to solve my issues for me, and i never
asked him to be a pillar of support. i would never ask for
those things. i find them presumptious and just ridiculous.
how can one expect for an outsider to solve problems that
one can't solve for themself? i hurt. i miss the excitement
of finding common ground with people my age. i miss being
able to speak my mind and not be judged but congradulated
on having such a thought. i miss being able to call chad
and tell him what had happened, not for a solution but for
an ear. and without the guilt that i am tormented with now.
god. for 16 i live totally in retrospect of would have been
and might have been.