alixia

plunge
2001-09-21 14:41:24 (UTC)

21 sep friday

im sitting in front of my comp now, feeling more miserable
than ive felt more a long time. and because no one's home,
i feel even worse.

i dun even know who im writing for to read. i dunno. im
confused. im driven to the end already.

its like, ever since the entry, i just felt so damn tired
of everything, i wanted to avoid everybody. they din do
anything. its just that. i dun even want to come close to
anything at all. i dun wan to feel obliged to solve
anything now or watever. and i just feel so so so horrible
inside cuz i din talk to anyone abt it. only tim arun and
jiamin knows abt it. but its like, i never even got to see
jiamin, much less talk to her. and everything is just
bottled inside of me, and the feeling sucks.

i only told sujin a little bit abt it. cuz i really couldnt
take it. but today she was in a bad mood. and then because
my other classmates din noe that im affected by the peirong
thing, they continued their own stuffs, laughing and all.
and since this morning, i started thinking abt how unfair i
was to everybody, by avoiding them. esp to vicki. i felt so
bad. kept tearing in class. and cuz sujin was in a bad
mood, she sat away from me. and i was like sitting alone in
the corner in lecture. crying. while all my other
classmates joking and laughing infront.

supposed to go penny's house for a swim with the rest after
school. was actually excited abt it. but i felt so horrible
that i went home. started breaking down in the bus. and
argh. the feeling was jus so awful. the whole want to cry
thing and worst, no one to talk to. i never felt so lonely
before. no God, no friends. just me. not only that, but
with a friend's back turned against me. said words that i
cant forget. like its imprinted in my mind forever.

the moment i got home, i started crying and crying. aiyah.
its jus horrible lar. im jus so fucking confused and upset.

grace asked me out for dinner later. i went. we talked abt
the peirong thing in the end. the thing is, grace already
knew peirong was pissed with me. so yah. and i just felt
that was even worse, cuz peirong told grace shes pissed
with vicki and me. but as grace told me everything, little
does she know that peirong once complained to me abt HER.
so its like. everything is so contradicting and messy. agrh.

i hate to say this. most probably if u get to read this,
jiamin, its cuz i really want u to know i felt this way,
rather than keeping it to myself. in fact i think ure the
only one who knows this other online diary exists. ok ill
tell u the truth, but please dun think of it as im trying
to make u feel bad k?

k. u see. ure like the ONLY and first mg girl who knew abt
this whole thing? i dunno if u think that i was still
affected by it or not..but i really expected like more than
an sms from u few days later..or u know? maybe a call? a
letter? i dunno. its just that. sigh. i told u i din want
to tell anyone else cuz i dun wan to make peirong sound
like some bad guy. so i said lets keep it to ourselves. but
its like, i cant even talk to ANYONE abt it! and thsi whole
week, ive just been trying to avoid everyone, hoping it
wont affect me. but end of the day, i just end up faking
myself thru the day, pretending to be having the time of my
life with my classmates, then i go home straight after
school and start crying. its almost an everyday/night
thing. u know the feeling of being so burdened abt
something and sittin there in ur room at night and not
being able to talk to anyone abt it? and i even tried
reading the bible, maybe God will comfort me or sumthing.
and i prayed,i told him that He knew how i was feeling so i
prayed he would give me an answer or some comfort. but
twice i did that, the page i opened to din seem to be of
any relevance. and i just felt so let down by everyone.

i dun wan to sound like so melodramatic but this is really
how i feel now. even after i left grace, the moment i went
up the bus. i started tearing. everytime i leave a friend
or classmate, the feeling of loneliness hits me and its
feels so horrible. wivinia smsed me to say she din have
anything to do. i called her back. she told me she just put
the phone down with u and vicki was going to stay over to
do some studying, then a movie or sumthing. and she was
like so high on the phone. and i cant help but feel even
lonelier and neglected cuz it was just so ironic that she
was sounding so happy, talking to me on the phone, while im
feeling totally the other way round.

i havent seen peirong this whole week. sujin said she was
looking for me. and im not ready for that. half of me wants
to forget everything, half of me holds a grudge. i just
realised almost everything she thought of wat i did was all
wrong. she thought i had bitched to tim abt her which is so
completely not true! and right now i dun even feel like
speaking to him anymore. i avoided him this whole week. din
even say hi.

i like dun even remembering living this week at all. im
like going around like a zombie attending sch for the sake
of attending. i try to enjoy myself as much with my
classmates. but i feel so left out sometimes. it takes so
much more for anyone to understand wat i am feeling now u
know? its not JUST peirong's entry. its everything. im at a
loss. and i really really really wanted to talk to u so so
badly. but aiyah. im sorry if im making u feelbad. thats
not my intention. but i jus feel like i have no one else to
turn to. im jus so messedup. u know grace feels like shes
in the middle between me peirong and vicki. but i cant help
but feel so disgusted that i was the one that was between
her peirong and vicki. i dunno wat else i dunno. and grace
was like "thats why i say this kind of thing best is to be
out of the picture" or something to that sort. and its
like. peirong bitched so much abt grace to me before lor.
and argh. im confused. i dunno wat peirong wants. cant help
but if she din start pointing fingers at me in the first
place, none of this would have happened. i think she should
find out more abt everything first before saying anything.
seriously, i can explain myself to watever she said in the
entry. and now, im giving both tim and arun the cold
shoulder. i mean, what am i supposed to do?! go on being
friends, and maybe let peirong think im leading them on
again?! i dunno lar. watever lar. im so blooody sick and
tired already. i dunno why sometimes i bother even worrying
abt offending her teh slighest bit when she can just
happily hurl such fucking hurting words at me in front of
the whole world without any justifyable reasons. come on
lar, she hasnt spoken to me for months already. she should
be one of the last few pple to judge me. she doesnt even
know wats going in my life.

i know shes also going thru a tough time but she said so
many hurting things! i dunno if i told u, but she sent me 2
more mails. and both times i cried reading.

argfhh..watever i dun know wat to do now lar. i cant even
study.

sorry, u must be thinking what the hell has gotten into me,
with the way i speak. but im no angel or watever. im tired
of restraining myself just because pple think im not like
this and am like that. watever. too tired already.

arghhhhhhhfeel like disappearing from this face of earth now.