random scribbles
2003-02-06 19:11:27 (UTC)


[music - further seems forever - mind - utterly depressed]

i just had the most awful news. sean's little brother
michael was in a car crash. he's in hospital in intensive
care, and they don't think that he will survive. i feel so
totally useless. i wish there was something i could do. i
can't believe how sad this is making me feel... not just
sad for their family... but sad for everyone who has to
experience death. too many people i've loved have died and
i am finding it hard to deal with it now. when mum died i
bottled it up for so long. i don't even remember feeling
that sad at the time... i mean, i was sad obviously, but
everyone kept saying things to me like "how come you aren't
taking time off school" etc etc. well i never felt the
need. there would be totally random events that would make
me miss her a lot but in general i didn't feel the sense of
but now every time i experience someone dying, even if its
someone i don't know that well, it just hurts so much. its
like ive never really released the pain that i felt at that
time. i cant even believe how selfish i'm being going on
about myself when right now michael may not even survive
through today. i am hoping so hard that he will be ok. but
it seems so unlikely. god... please stop all this dying...