alixia

plunge
2001-09-21 14:13:00 (UTC)

17 sep monday


too many things have happened and i have no one to talk to
about it. sometimes im driven to such an end i just want to
call some random number and pour everything out. but even
so, i know that would take a long time. promos are in 2
weeks. whos gonna listen to me.

i cant believe so many things happened just over a few
days. ive been crying almost everyday since. im avoiding as
many pple as i can. the only pple i really talk to are my
classmates. and sometimes i feel its just a mask or
something to help me live thru my day.

im not saying no one cares anymore. but ive been so taken
aback by watever thats going around now that i dun wan to
tell anybody. im too tired. sick and tired. frustrated. i
cant even find the words to describe the immense draining i
feel.

and although partly why im so upset cuz of what peirong
said, and how it made me think, sometimes i just feel that
if she din say all these, and i din go arond confronting it
and the pple involved, all these worse stuff wouldnt have
happened.

because what i did was i confessed everything to everyone.
and i think i made things worse. i thought telling the
truth would be a good choice. but i think sometimes human
feelins arent meant to be exposed because no one really
would understand each other's feelings and why they feel
this way.

i feel like ive screwed everything up. for everyone else
and myself. and because what peirong said to me hurt so
much, i felt like i could never forgive her. yet it made me
step back and think, maybe i have changed and she has a
point. and that made me even more confused, cuz how could i
feel angry yet convicted at the same time?

now her recent reply of email to me felt so apologetic and
sorry that i cried reading it. and i just felt maybe i
should jus forget everything and make up. but how come i
jus feel so cheated doing that?

i felt like she never knew how much pain she caused me by
those words she posted on her entry. and not to mention,
because arun and tim read it, i dunno how to face them
anymore. ive not only been ridiculed, and accused and
hurt...im also confused cuz im so worried there might be
truth to what she says.

everything is so interconnected of who said what..and why
he or she said that, that i dun dare to do anything. so
afraid to make that wrong move again. these past few
months, SO many fucking things happened but i just cant
find the time or a person to get hold of and talk to. and i
just feel so fucking pissed off at that fact.

everything's just stored up in me, the good and bad. i cant
talk abt the good anymore cuz things have taken to such a
plight. yet i cant talk abt the bad because im so tired of
everything already.

IM drained and fucking tired.

IM confused.

i dunno wat i want
and who i am anymore.

i want so badly to talk to someone abt all these right now
but theres no one.

i want to get down to studying but all these is distracting
me.

im fucking hell stressed, upset, hurt, confused, and fucked
up.

and as i write all these, i wonder if pple will judge me
just because "jamie tang" used vulgarities. oh no. have i
changed again? is this "a side of me" pple never knew?

i HATE pple judging me without understanding me first.

i dun know why i bother so much sometimes.

arghhhhhhhhhhhh im so BUGGED i dun want to go school
tomorrow.
i havent even done any work yet. ive just been going on
about this the whole entire day. all because of A *******
ENTRY.

what the hell. jus dun study and get retained lar.
this way, i dun have to face the same people anymore.

good riddance.



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