To begin to live...I had to die first
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2003-02-06 16:29:51 (UTC)

1993...The beginning.

I met Ike in March 1993. Ike was 25 and I was 19. I've
never been with a man older than me. I was unsure and
scared. My friends told me to take a chance and see what he
was about. Being only 19 years old, I was willing to do so.
After exchanging numbers I was hesitant about calling him
because I knew his lifestyle was dangerous. But that danger
is what also attracted me to him. I love a thug. Everything
about a thug. I waited about 3 months to sleep with him.
And oh my God, after doing so I was completely hooked on
him.(Or maybe his sex)! I found out he had a 3 year old
son, and soon after that I discovered he was messing around
with his son's momma and plenty other women, but I did'nt
care, I just knew in my heart I would eventually have him.
In January 1994, I finally spoke to his baby momma via
phone and this is when things went bad. I knew from the
first phone talk with her they were still sleeping
together, but I was so young and blind I found this to be a
turn on for me when we slept together, just the thought of
him sleeping with other women actually aroused me. In early
March of 1994, Things started to go terribly wrong. She
showed up at his house one night while I was there, and
they had it out. I have to admit I wasn't upset by her
coming over, but I was hurting, maybe because at this point
I realized I was falling in love with him. On March 7,1994,
I spent the night with him. Only to wake up to something so
terrible. I was woke up by shouting and gunshots in the
house. Something that is still too horrifing to talk or
even write about. In the end I was shot in the stomach and
left laying the hall to die. I've had numerous surgeries,
and I still can't get myself to go counseling. Just the
thought of this frightens me, I can not continue with this

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