Dark*Beloved

In the Pits of Despair
2001-09-21 06:53:53 (UTC)

A strange evening...

"...I don’t know if I’ve ever been good enough, I’m a
little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in, and I
don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved by a hand that’s
touched me, well I feel like something’s gonna give and I’m
a little bit angry...
" -Matchbox 20

I am so tired...sometimes I think no one cares at all. Not
even those who profess their utter devotion and adoration.
If I'm so adored, why am I always the one who loses? Always
the one people turn to if they are EXTREMELY bored? It
hurts...it really does. I don't know anymore...I can't
think...I want to cry...but I'm afraid to. I feel as if
one touch might send me over the edge and make me scream.
My nerves and emotions are so raw right now...I could
barely open the motrin bottle to get some for my headache,
I was shaking so badly. Yet...if he just took me in his
arms and held me, I'd be all right...I'm sure of it. He is
so full of contradictions at times...it makes me
doubtful...it makes me think that he and Maria are just
sitting back laughing at my foolishness. I mean, come
on...how could he really and truly love someone like me?
He couldn't...it simply isn't possible. I wish I knew what
was wrong with me. I thought I had gotten past my
insecurities, but it just goes to show you that you can
never get past the truth. And the truth is, I don't
deserve love, kindness, consideration, caring, etc. Why?
Because I'm an unworthy, undeserving, horrible creature.

Hate is such a strong emotion, and I try never to use
it...but in all honesty, I can say that I hate myself. Oh,
I love life, I do...but sometimes my hate for myself is
stronger than my love for life. I think the day is coming
soon that the hate will completely overwhelm the love...and
I dread what I might do. There is so much I want to do and
say and be...I don't want to die...I want to love myself,
but I don't know how.

This is so weird...this mood came on me so fast...it's not
as if I had a bad day or anything. It just hit out of
nowhere...as soon as I signed online at 10 PM. And now
it's practically faded away now at 1:40 PM. And with the
help of my beloved, I now know what happened. At about 10
PM, he was angry, murderously angry in fact...and he
accidently projected his emotions to me...he feels so bad
about it too, but it's all right. I'm so much better
now...and as soon as he teaches me how to handle it, it
won't affect me as badly as it did tonight.